captain's log

for a time i was chosen, and that was enough.

i find fulfillment in being needed and heeding the call of duty. it gives my life direction. i'm lost myself, so outsourcing the objective to others feels like a decent shortcut. i may have some of my shit together - like systems to keep my health and performance in check - but the grander purpose for existence is lost on me.

so when people who need saving present themselves, i respond swiftly.

i want smiles on people's faces. laughter, if possible. lighten their load, lift their hearts, no matter how brief. that's how i try to make a difference in this absurd existence we all share. i'm not looking to be thanked. i'm not looking to be remembered either. i'm just focused on my process of delivering the highest quality connection i can create. i think deeply about it all the time. strategize sometimes. as long as my effort put them in a better position than before meeting me, then i consider it a success. whether it leaves a lasting impression or any changes moving forward is beyond me.

sure, i'd like to serve as long as i could. but circumstances change. my purpose could be outgrown. and if my skillset isn't necessary for the next phase, then i humbly accept that i'm no longer part of it.

i've seen it before. several times, i bent over backwards to help others. i was out of my depth. in hindsight, i might've done more harm than good. i wanted things to be better, but diminishing utility dictated that i was undoing the positives i built.

i've wisened up to know it's a disservice to have an intention to do good, but lack the capacity to deliver. i don't have the patience to be a work-in-progress. i reserve that for people with whom i've built a shared, loving compassion. but when it's an ostensibly temporary stint of duty, the love that animates my actions comes from a surplus. and my cup is not always full.

i know when to bow out with grace. appreciate my handiwork from a distance. the moment happened, they were happy. and i'm simply grateful for the opportunity to be present.