newtonian existential crisis

the most i will tell people who know me is that i secretly want to die. i say that to soften the horridly harsh desire for my own death. thankfully, i can be blunt here and admit that one of my top wishes is to die.

my whole life seems like a series of unrelated events that will ultimately lead to death. if not for the retrofitting of whatever deeper meaning i could come up with, my time on this world has been a waste of time. it's not that life is hopeless. i'm sincerely convinced that every moment brings hope. there can be beauty in everything. the multitude of people in history that has had profound happiness with every reason one could possibly think of is proof that hope indeed springs eternal.

but it's a source i wish not to drink from anymore.

everything that gave me hope has had some basis on a lie, one way or another. the only truth i can be absolutely certain of is those which i bring into reality. i'm the only person i trust and yet i'm still weighed down by immeasurable insecurity. it's hard to want to keep living if there's nothing i can find steady footing in. everything i try stand on crumbles and the fall is endless. never finding a safe haven feels like i'm suffering through hell.

falling in itself isn't painful. being sandwiched in the equilibrium point between the force of gravity and the resistance of air evens out into nothing. any discomfort originates from your own fabrication. the real pain comes when you finally crash into the ground.

i've been falling for such a long time now that i've been anxiously anticipating the hurt of hitting rock bottom. all this tremendous tension building up as i accelerate towards the depths of my despair can't be worse than death. the fall limits you to a downwards direction, but the sudden stop in the end frees you from the agony.

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