eat me henger

i'm honestly depressed for the longest time, for as long as i can remember. you could have easily attributed it as i was being such a pussy. there hasn't been any tests done whether in fact i actually have depression. so we're entirely going by gut feel here. and my gut tells me that every day on god's green earth, a part of me will always want to die. it's not tragic. i don't think it so. it's just sad. i always have this inner monologue going, it's always the worst critic, and i'm almost always the target. it keeps injecting self doubt, insecurities, and the occasional self-deprecating joke. i find that alcohol and music does an awesome job of quelling the noise. but most of the time, just like a tyler durden, i just want a bullet in my head to shut it up. i don't have a lot going for emotional support. nobody watches the watchmen. for me, it's either distractions or dwelling in my depression. i wish i could find someone who cou...

i need things to be spelled out for me. for all my analytical capability and quick wit, it's horribly marred by a prohibitive propensity to play things safe. so i really have to exhaust everything, and i exhaust people with that. there have been people who have given up on me for not wanting to placate to that particular character flaw. i guess it's one of the reasons why i've always preempted a lonely future for me. if ever my girlfriend and i indeed break up, then i guess i'm back to my lonesome journey. i've done everything i could to not feel so lonely. i returned to my activities when i was still single such as copious amount of games, music, and wrestling. i realized it would have been easier if i didn't have a girlfriend to think about and care for. i'm overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. perhaps because even if i'm in a relationship with my current girlfriend, i still feel a gaping sense of emptiness. i wish i could talk...

I can see this blog as a chronicle of how i fell out of the relationship I'm in right now. Unlike the previous relationship where i was just full of it and i suddenly called it quits. This time around i feel it's a slow and agonizing burn. I will admit, a part of me wants out because some of my important needs aren't being met. And perhaps someone else could be providing it if i had not decided to cut off certain people from my life as a matter of compromise in the relationship. But we never truly are the perfect partners for our significant others. We just somehow try to make it work. At this point, I'm sincerely questioning what's the value we both bring to our lives. It's not like we have a lot of things in common. Neither are we complementary in our capabilities. What i can tell for certain is that she gravitates to me and that i am perhaps too accommodating. We probably couldn't help ourselves to pull away from what i find to be a seemingly subpar...

"maybe i've seen enough to know that i won't make a difference" - that's a quote from someone who used to really like his job. a friend sent that to me. either the intent was to nudge me away from the job that i do cause she lowkey cares that i'm selling myself short by settling for a small salary, or maybe it's a call for help cause she secretly hates her career trajectory. either way i think what truly matters is the difference our lives make - given that work takes a shitload of time from our daily lives, next to sleep. we want the work that we do make a difference, be it egocentrically through personal gain to get better things and live a better life, or altruistically for the benefit of our customers, clients or beneficiaries. cause when you look back, people in the olden times that hunted, farmed and foraged worked to put actual food on the table. and food extends life, and life is a platform to experience pleasures, and pleasures are what makes ...

Let's pretend that we don't know what love is When you think of family, what are they? A bunch of people who are most likely to be with. Your parents have a responsibility over you and are compelled to provide. Your siblings, if any, are just there doing their own thing, sometimes being a leech on the resources that your parents are supposed to provide you, sometimes being a total ass to you and sometimes helping you out. All premised on proximity. You grow up eventually and learn to live on your own, unless you're a typical asian household where you will have to live with family, but at some point you have to be alone. Some decide to live with someone else, usually by romantic affinity. But again, we don't know what love is. I guess when you find a partner, you find someone whom you're willing to spend a shitload of close proximity with. Cause that means sharing resources, potentially raising a child, but really it's the amount of time. Perhaps if l...

it feels like such a chore to update my girlfriend of what i ought to do. not because i don't like it but because it doesn't feel rewarding - and i tend to veer away from things that aren't rewarding. don't get me wrong, i love making my life an interesting story. but when there isn't any response from the audience, i feel like it's such a waste of time. i used to be regularly involved in social media despite not getting a lot of responses, but the handful of responses i'm getting are those that kept me going. i constantly updated my social network with shit about my life because i felt like it was a public service to make them laugh about whatever's going on with me. which brings us to my girlfriend. i'm bored of her. reconnecting with my old friends reminded me of how full of life i could be. and while she is generously affectionate when she and i are together, there isn't a lot of fun to be had. i guess what i appreciated about my ex was...