eat me henger

the older we get, we learn to regard time differently. i used to think the shit i was into was everything to me. a decade ago, two decades ago. i was so certain that what i wanted to do will define me. and that's youth, i guess. we're a bunch of nobodies trying to fit in an already-established world made by adults for us. growing up, most of our actions were dictated by people older than us. and so it's understandable that we're so desperate for the certainty of our identity. we give it our all. we were all gas, no breaks. until we get it... and that's it? the thing about climbing a mountain, on the ascent, we're focused on the peak. but once we hit the summit, we find that we're at the top of one of many. with age, we find that there are more things we give our energies to. we more things that we're certain will define us. but with time we also find that how we define ourselves don't fit the circumstances we're in. the older we get, time feels l...

i used to think enlightenment would change my life for the better. i used to have fantasies about what it must be like to be above it all. the constant stream of social media stimulation makes it seem like there's more to life when chasing after our desires. but no, being "above it all" simply means dulling desire. what they don't tell you is that enlightenment kills excitement. the rat race we ran prior to achieving wisdom is what saturates our life with vibrant color. saving up for clothes that we think will look good on us and impress others. saving up for a vacation so we can temporarily break free from the daily mundanity. or simply splurging on an extravagant night out just so we can feel the power our purchases provide. but the reality is that these are all artificial constructs. we buy into things because they're an easy plug-and-play way to define ourselves. but truth is, it takes work to construct who we are. we're easily defined by what we're fo...

ego dissolution is useful when working out repressed trauma. our ego evolves around the threats and opportunities of our immediate environment. we adopt a narrative from what happens to us, and we orient our values and actions towards a justified direction. we grow callouses from pain, and repeated exposure thickens them - but breaking them takes work. protection isn't always the answer. yes, it serves a purpose from dulling the damage of a bad experience so that it mitigates disruptions to our daily functions. but walling ourselves prevents us from fully experiencing life - crying the needed tears, screaming the needed fury, celebrating the needed elation. as simple as relying on our ego sounds, it has its limitations. our ego resists radical redirection. it hurts to dismantle a self built on strength, wisdom and resilience - and to admit that all the hard work through the years doesn't serve its purpose anymore. it's scary that all our toils will be discarded because time...

i once cried over having only 40-something years to live left. i made the logical jump from demographic life expectancy to my own mortality. it's ridiculous now, but my past self would've wanted compassion and assurance. i received patience and a space to express my fears, but i don't think i was ever guided by any one wiser. so i decided to live life to the fullest - whatever that meant. a misguided teenager wanting to "live life to the fullest" sounds dangerous. today, i suffer the consequences of irresponsible decisions. i wish i could tell my past self that the "life you want to live fully include the lives of your subsequent selves" no tomorrow - i convinced myself to believe. it was destructive. in conjunction with my oxymoronic self-hatred and desire to feel alive, i was throwing my body without any reasonable regard for risk. in fact, the riskier, the more enticing. i wanted to burn bright, blazing through a trail that screams "lived life to...

love is greed. the commitment to exclusively love a single individual precludes both of your freedom to choose differently eventually. over-intellectualizing love severs its soul. love is greed, and its fundamental flaw serves a greater purpose. we settle with someone to secure certainty in the present to influence an undeterminable future. to believe we have absolute power over what happens next is futile. but we still do it. in fact, we need to do it. love is greed because it carries our precious vulnerability. our tenderness must only be entrusted with the right person. our loving soul is terribly fragile. shattering our soul is painful as it is, but picking up the scattered shards of ourselves is more agonizing. it takes more work to rebuild than to cultivate. our souls don't come with an instruction manual. we rebuild from unreliable memory. one which might've served its purpose for its time, but must respond to present-day demands. if that much is at stake, then maybe lo...

when two lives touch deeply, even when go their separate ways, one way or another, they will be inextricable. it's been years since i broke up with an ex-lover - it was catastrophic period - and yet people continue to inform me of her new pregnancy. but my wounds have healed enough for me to genuinely feel happy for her. what a surprise? from "the man on fire" himself? ...used to be the man on fire . i've since cooled down. fully grown a pre-frontal cortex. reintegrated from deep mental resets. in as much as i want to keep my firm skin and raw vitality from years ago, i'm a different person now. and this different person recognizes that my ex-lover's life is none of my business - despite the numerous gossiping everyone else seem to enjoy. they want me mired in the controversy. they want to be part of the drama. but ultimately, for them, this is a fleeting interest. but motherhood is permanent. it's a lifetime of difficulty. but it will pale in comparison t...

mirrors alienate us.  we need the mirror to adjust how we externally present ourselves. you stand there, on your own, composing yourself - based on your own aesthetic sensibilities - because you care about how others will perceive you. but had mirrors never been invented, we would've needed other people to organize our outward appearance. it would've been part of our social contract to be responsible for fixing each other's image. owing that to each other could build our social cohesion. i need others because they will fix my face. i need others because they will help me conform to fashion standards. we will always be part of an ecosystem, we need to coordinate ourselves to function effectively for our community to serve its purpose. we do it to an extent, we tell each other what to do and avoid. we don't want our family or friends making a fool of themselves. we want important people in our lives to put their best foot forward. because even if people can see themselves...