eat me henger

i somewhat understand why artists have peaks, and then we don't hear from them for some time. nothing in mass media about their new single or album. no new leading roles, mostly obscure projects or relegated to the supporting cast. i feel as though our best work are such a rarity, and consistency ideally yields above-average output. perhaps relative to our best, even great works become comparably mediocre, especially if our sample size is limited to our own body of work. the ethereal concept of "creative juice" feels real. or at least easy to blame when i can't put out decent art. i call it art, but it feels pretentious to consider myself an "artist", a writer, perhaps is more appropriate. it's just easier to type the three letters that comprise the word "art" - and there goes my autism deciding to over explain an unnecessary detail. perhaps, the broader our knowledge, the deeper our wisdom, the more we are capable of overthinking things. it se...

i'm forcing myself to write. because maybe this will squeeze something out of me that will start a wave of momentum to continue writing, or at least stay consistent. the problem is i largely depend on motivation to do things. unfortunately, it doesn't sustain a salaryman. the good thing about the incentive structure in my workplace is that whether i work hard or i barely work at all, my remuneration remains the same. so i can practically phone it in for an entire year and i'd still get the same salary had i been pushing myself to the limit. that's why management plays such an important role to keep me balanced. i don't have a concept of balance. i'm either extremely productive or i'm barely in my cubicle. what troubles me is that i struggle with this my entire life. people around me wants me to be normal, just like everyone else. i struggle to do so. it would be nice if i can fit into mainstream society. less friction that way. then i wouldn't have these...

for a country with a shit ton population density, it's difficult to get a decent mentor. it only sounds nice when median age is in the mid-20s, but that also means there's an abundance of misguided youth fumbling their way through young adulthood. it's not like we developed a strong culture in the past where our elders were well-learned or at least had proper foundational knowledge. it seems like all they had was authority over folk wisdom, and when the youth were enlightened with the influx of internet information, every age group were just as misguided as everyone else. i talk about this because i regret the process of awkwardly growing into the kept together mess i am right now. a lot of my life lessons could've been gained with less devastating consequences. ideally as we age, our existential hazards get progressively threatening and we have relatively wisened adults - be it our parents, teachers or community leaders - to foster a conducive environment where we are ...

i've normalized, but i stopped being a person in 2019 going out these days feel like i time travelled. like i barely recognize the world. there are way more younger people, more supple skins contrasting my subtly sagging cheeks. perhaps the lockdown made a difference. everyone's lives moved forward and my lack of social media monitoring made me insulated from the pace of development. but it's also perhaps what happened to me in 2019 i've since returned to normalcy. an equilibrium barely discernible from what could have been a projected trajectory. but i've never been the same since. i carry a quiet burden that i've kept aside. no point belaboring the drama, it's exasperating. i guess it's anti-climatic. the resolution isn't as bombastic as the climax. it doesn't fit the shape of a story. granted, it might not be fully resolved and i'm in a middling period of the narrative prior to the actual denouement.   maybe that's the key to feeling l...

i've been struggling with life lately. like "years lately" kind of lately.  i'm at a point in life where the way to move forward is to have intrinsic motivation. i did well when i was being told what to do. now when i have to initiate my trajectory, i fizzle out. like writing here. it's been four years since i had a flurry of material. writing almost daily honed my ability. perhaps it was momentum from intrinsic motivation triggered by external circumstances. i remember having clever phrases come naturally, almost like magic. but now i struggle to even get my thoughts through here because "why the fuck does this matter?" i guess i have to stick with it to make it mean something. perhaps it doesn't mean anything at all and my words are equivalent to time spent doomscrolling. perhaps it shouldn't even matter whether i'm relevant or not. i perhaps just need to orient myself at a certain direction and pursue it wholeheartedly. it's difficult ...

life probably begins at 40 because, by then, our youthful energy has depleted. we no longer have that inner turbulence of wanting to find our place in the world. our diminished neuroplasticity nudge us to things we're familiar and comfortable with. life probably begins at 40 because, finally, we find tranquility with the person we built for ourselves. but until then, i have a couple more years to become that person.

it's been a while since i checked in. it's probably going to be the general theme of my writing moving forward. unless something significant happens.  i can feel my hormones aren't what they used to be. i don't have the same enthusiasm for life as i used to have - or what's little of it. my natural inclination for depression had always dulled my experience of life. it's never as exciting or as dynamic as other peoples' lives seemed to be. or perhaps, comparison is thieving away at my joy. i could very well argue that my perception is the only practically valid perspective. so if other people are living better, then it's none of my business. or, again, it's just the declining hormones talking. humans are such a slave to our hormones. if we're so intelligently designed, then the spike in hormones in our adolescence and early adulthood should've been our springboard to our life's constant trajectory - like entrepreneurship, or a skilled voca...