multiple choice

i'm terribly indecisive. i always fall trap into analysis paralysis. i love learning, i love researching things, i love getting as much information to aid in decision-making. but i hate choosing.

nothing is truly clear cut as good or bad choice. that's another thing the schooling system failed us. we had thought for years that there's always one correct choice. but in my experience of overthinking through life, decisions are always taking the bad with the good. ideally, i don't want to bring any negativity. contrary to my dramatic and dark writing, i sincerely want a good life for myself. so much so that i want perfection. i adopted an approach where if i do well at the beginning, if something felt natural, then i'll pursue the path. that prevented me from learning how to persevere. stumbling from the start was a sign to not spend any further effort. it afforded me to focus on my interests and natural inclination, but that only created a sheltered worldview unable to reconcile the dissonance of reality. 

through time, the repeated disappointments developed into pessimism. the negativity was painful, and pre-empting pain by expecting the worst was a coping mechanism. familiarize yourself with the impending pain, so when it arrives, you've acclimated. i could've shifted that mindset into something more productive. like integrating familiarization to my development process so i can better accept feedback. that if i fail at first, then it's just a license to repeat with specifications for the ideal outcome.

there's no traveling back in time, so the do overs i have to contend with are those i can apply now to benefit my future self. isn't that what we're all trying to do? doing our future selves a favor.

i'd like to be more decisive, but what's hindering me from working towards it is my inability to be okay with imperfect outcomes. somehow, i need to endure the discomfort of flaws.