lonely twin, the left hand

love costing three months' salary is cheap. 

it's a good heuristic to anchor a measurable value for something potentially priceless. adjusting for differences in cost of living from the 30s, applying the classic adage nowadays is absurd. but love isn't about being right, it's sacrificing irrationality for fulfillment.

it's something i often get wrong. i'm autistically keyed in with being ruthlessly correct. however, looking back, i only remember the times when i was wrong and yet i received love. i don't have a running list of such instances, but i intuit that i've been frequently the smaller person.

i'm grateful to have been lucky more times than i deserve. i've assessed myself to be selfish in not giving back the love i've been graciously showered with. i know the right things to do, but i can't bring myself to genuinely do the right things. for me to be authentic, i need to first subscribe to the values conducive to acting the right way. should i have been raised right? should i have practiced a proper religion? should i have been more involved with civic groups? i've long isolated myself from the masses for never feeling i belonged anywhere. even with the many online communities, i still feel detached. nowadays even misfits have their place. i'm not drawn to any group. yes, i share similar interests, but having little things in common is different from sharing synchronicity.

i've been lonely for so long that i forgot to be afraid. isolation even fuels me to prove that i will thrive alone. technology has been making it easier to make man an island. i actually cherish the opportunity to prove to people that they're useless.

just as much as they made me feel.

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