wake

nobody is convinced i'm going through difficulties. maybe it's the lack or scientific evidence. maybe it's the lack of other peoples' cognitive bandwidth to entertain my relatively minor issues. whichever the reason, it doesn't make this journey alone any easier.

perhaps i do an excellent job pretending, or i'm just that psychosocially retarded that i can't sufficiently convey whatever it is i have. even i don't know how to classify it anymore. it has gotten so complicated that it's become a generic mental issue. brain getting duller, diminished sensitivity to emotions, aversion to novelty. even if it was properly identified, i'm still going through this alone.

i never had proper emotional support. i don't blame the people around me, my issues are complex and my worth is negligible. i have to pay someone to give me that. human relationships are primarily designed to keep each other alive. that much is being satisfied. i don't have to worry about rent, i don't have to worry about where my next meal will come. so in that regard, the people around me are doing a great job to support me. they're doing such a great job that i feel i have an overabundance of life. i'm all lived out that the next day feels optional.

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