death

i've been trying to figure out the logistics or my suicide. 

i don't have access to a high enough roof deck to jump off from. so all i do is just stare off from the window of tall buildings and imagine going through it. feeling the violent wind on my face. perhaps making it more difficult to open my eyes to see the pavement nearer and nearer. that is if i will jump head first. i was always afraid of diving into the water. i might just fall facing the sky. will it be gray and cloudy? or clear and blue? if heaven is in the clouds, that will be the last time i will ever see it.

there are plenty of knives in the kitchen. a straight slice into my arm and let the blood spill out until i lose consciousness. i could do my family a favor by doing it under a running shower. use plumbing to my advantage to at least do my family a favor to make the clean up easier. definitely should leave a suicide note to help the grieving easier too. 

i've been hearing of a way to asphyxiate to death without the need to hang a rope. kneeling with a belt tied around the neck ought to do the trick. i just need to figure out a way to both securely tie both ends of the belt to get the job done. in the rare instances i've been choked, at first, fear came onto me, but somehow eventually it turned to pleasure. i might've just discovered a kink. or maybe i was feeling good that i'm about to get what i've always wanted out of life.