spawn camping

i respawn everyday. 

at some point in my life, i lost the ability to wake up with fresh starts. it used to be that i would have tension with other people, and then after sleeping it off, i'll be at peace with them. i was resented for not sharing the same negativity. i had thought back then that it was a problematic lack of empathy. so i tried working to be more mindful of unresolved issues. perhaps it started when i had to deal with terrible narcissism. they're never wrong, and therefore it's my problem. being desperate for their approval, i integrated their indoctrination. beautiful narcissists are a toxic combination. i'm glad to have been physically detached from that predicament.

but psychologically, i've been dwelling in it for years.

everyday i wake up with yesterday's burden. it's like i never left the quagmire of cancerous conduct. it metastasised into unrelated aspects of life. diminished my relationship with family, co-workers and acquaintances. i continued living, the difference is barely discernible. but my patterns have been uncharacteristic. i tried rationalizing it as a good thing - because again, i never disposed of the desperation. my cowardice was reframed as cautious. my inaction, as prudence. my apathy, as stoicism. it has been heavily weighing on me for quite some time now, and i rationalize it as resilience.

there used to be a time when my resilience was defined by waking up everyday as a fresh start.

life used to excite me. even back then, i had always wanted to die, but there was always something about life that made it worth hanging onto for a couple hours more.

i don't get fresh anymore. i can blame it on my aging body. the physical aches that greet me as soon as i gain consciousness. i can blame it on my obligations. the to-do lists that stand as the modern-day hydra. i have the option to blame a lot of things, but it's not like they weren't present in some form or another throughout these years.

i changed. perhaps more importantly, my respawn point changed. and i need to at least have some power to make it better.

or valiantly die trying.

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