productive in the morning, depressed in the evening

i had the movie aftersun sleeping in my downloads for over a year. i procrastinated on watching it because i wanted my weekends to be a time of unproductive relaxation. my idea of that was video games, but that presents a paradox. games give the illusion of productive progress while presenting challenges that test your problem solving skills. in the end, i don't really get to relax and i'm just as drained going into a new week.

but yesterday was different. i decided to be productive instead. if it's my natural state to exert effort, then there are several things that are actually worth doing. i had a full day. enough time for body, mind and soul.

a proper movie is one of the best ways to pass time. in the span of an hour or so, you get a glimpse into the important parts of people's lives. you get to know them, you get to witness their struggle, and you see their story conclude - regardless whether resolved or not.

it's a good thing i chose to be productive yesterday. i ended it with a movie that resonated with me about depression.

now i feel like i'm managing my mental health well. it's a constant uphill battle. by default it's difficult, and on top of it, i have to do the hard things to make things easier. life is smoother now, but i have to put in the effort to keep it smooth.

aftersun is that. aftersun is me.

man surprised to get to his 30s, barely getting by, pretending to be glad for things, maintaining his duty as a co-parent, angry for passing on genetic predisposition to depression to his daughter.

the major difference is he's successful at ending his life.

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