war straggler

i haven't been fighting the war raging in me.

for years i've been avoiding the battle. never really seeking refuge. keeping the conflict unresolved so i can continue to play victim.

pitying myself was the second most rational plan of action.

until i heard myself justifying my insecurities with strangers.

for a while now, i've been keeping myself bandaged. perhaps as a reminder that danger could happen at any time. my wounds have long since hardened into scars, but i persisted with the phantom pain. however, when i stepped away from the proximity of the perceived precariousness, i found that people at peace have no prejudice.

i just realized i was imposing an impaired identity when they said "there should be more people like you"

it took a while for that to sink in. only now as i write am i really grasping the power of that statement. granted, newcomers don't fully understand my deeply rooted flaws. nevertheless, there is still good in me that i need to revalidate on its own merit.

i never had a good look because i withdrew into my cubbyhole of artificial tranquility. the soundproof walls prevented the outside world from further demoralizing me, but i was likewise hindered from hearing whether hostilities have held on.

but all it takes are an outsider's set of eyes to scout the scene and my openness to be okay once more.

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