too cheap for therapy

a victim of narcissistic personality disorder is likely to unreasonably blame themselves, apologize profusely and feel impostor syndrome.

saw that in a youtube video and it rang true. i don't see any academic literature that verifies that, but i really haven't done my research. it felt true and therefore i'm stuck ruminating over it.

suppose it's true, it's still difficult to come to terms with it.

i already hate myself as it is. the feeling is amplified by the scars of how i was once treated by a narcissist - one whom i trusted and been vulnerable.

i'm unsure to what extent i was at fault and by how much am i responsible for their reaction. i can't seem to have a solid grasp of personal boundaries.

i can co-opt hard-nosed beliefs of ruthless self-determination. i am responsible for my thoughts and actions, but they sure as hell can't pin it on me when they overreact or misunderstand. but that feels like too much of an over-correction. the middle ground is tough to find when i can barely discern boundaries.

there are supportive friends available. they have been reassuring, they make sense. but the positive reinforcement can't seem to stick. day-by-day i find more reasons to hate myself. fortunately, negative friends with wildly inaccurate assessments don't hold water either. so i'm both mistrustful of the good and bad. so it's neither a win nor lose.

unless we consider the default state as a loss.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more