too cheap for therapy

a victim of narcissistic personality disorder is likely to unreasonably blame themselves, apologize profusely and feel impostor syndrome.

saw that in a youtube video and it rang true. i don't see any academic literature that verifies that, but i really haven't done my research. it felt true and therefore i'm stuck ruminating over it.

suppose it's true, it's still difficult to come to terms with it.

i already hate myself as it is. the feeling is amplified by the scars of how i was once treated by a narcissist - one whom i trusted and been vulnerable.

i'm unsure to what extent i was at fault and by how much am i responsible for their reaction. i can't seem to have a solid grasp of personal boundaries.

i can co-opt hard-nosed beliefs of ruthless self-determination. i am responsible for my thoughts and actions, but they sure as hell can't pin it on me when they overreact or misunderstand. but that feels like too much of an over-correction. the middle ground is tough to find when i can barely discern boundaries.

there are supportive friends available. they have been reassuring, they make sense. but the positive reinforcement can't seem to stick. day-by-day i find more reasons to hate myself. fortunately, negative friends with wildly inaccurate assessments don't hold water either. so i'm both mistrustful of the good and bad. so it's neither a win nor lose.

unless we consider the default state as a loss.