ink splatter

very rarely do i get any conversation about my writing method here. because very rarely do i actually know people that read this blog. and it's interesting to see how other seem to think i process my writing. or perhaps they're projecting how they would've done what i'm doing. how they would have concepts or lines prepared in advance. i don't have any of those. i'm not even sure whether i had that before.

i just write not knowing the next word i'll be typing. there's the luxury of backspacing and reviewing whether i made grammatical errors or if there's gaps in the throughline. what i'm certain is that my writing is largely driven by emotions and a desire for free expression - so much so that i ignore standard sentence structure... partly because i didn't take my english grammar classes seriously. perhaps my emotions are too amorphous to be adequately contained by language. there are a lot of non-verbal communication lost with merely just words, and yes, my autism leaves me somewhat socially crippled, but this writing isn't a hundred percent me.

maybe nothing really is as pure as we want it to be. as soon as something goes out of its protective vacuum, it interacts with others, it gets changed, it stops becoming consistent with its original content. we either wish to maintain originality or welcome constant novelty. perhaps purity isn't as paramount as it seems to be. yeah sure, keeping things in pristine condition is desirable, but freedom from constraints will cost you scars.

it's not for me to decide to which degree of contamination is better, i mean i can barely keep a consistent writing throughline.