over indulgence

it took me around a decade to acclimatize to a life of surplus. earning your own money changes everything but feels like nothing at the same time. your lifestyle gradually upgrades, better quality, higher quantity. it's fun for a while.

but my present happiness isn't too far off with the happiness of a poorer version of myself.

the only real difference is that i don't feel desire as much as i used to because i can afford the things i want now. granted, there are things still out of my salary - particularly, multi-million purchases like a car or a house. however, i'm not convinced that even if i could buy them now, i would be significantly happier. i'll drive on the same roads. i'll breathe the same air. i'll deal with the same people.

there is value in desire because it gets you to a better destination. but perhaps i'm just doing it the wrong way. my desire for the past decade has been manifesting in amassing more from fear of running out. so now i have more things to do and less time for them.

i need to be more comfortable with having close to nothing, because having nothing doesn't feel all too bad. i'm not deathly impoverished. comfortably middle class people go into intense workouts or fasting habits. they seem to be finding value in having nothing.

now i just need to find where to send my everything


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