moss

there's a point where i don't want to deal with people altogether.

i hate inefficient action. i hate when i catch myself doing it. i hate it even more when i'm forced to play along with other's inefficiencies.

i'm to blame for not communicating enough. but that has a lot to do with growing in a household where parents are dictators and disagreements are prohibited. when you disagree, they guilt you into feeling sorry for making them feel bad. it's manipulative and i hate it. emotions and rationality should never mix, and when winning an argument is based on "who is most rational" and then winning conditions turn to being "who is most hurt", it makes me want to act on my own emotions and physically beat the tears and blood out the other person. i think it's only fair to fuck things up when others are throwing rules out of the window. if it has all along been about winning and not about cooperation, then i'm more than willing to leave a trail pain just to prove my point.

but it's just all in my head. just a shit ton of resentment from never having gotten the chance to choke the life out of everyone that wronged me. i know i have to play by the rules. i know it will always be there, so i'm always mindful of what i say and do. i never really grew out of the compliant kid that i had always been. so instead of fixing my flaws, i decided to cope with a half-baked independence. still seen as a child that goes back home, but sufficiently self-sustaining to be let loose for a while. perhaps it's a culture thing. in some ways this is easier than being a full-fledged adult.

but then again, i can't do a lot of growing when i'm constantly in my comfort zone.