jade is the color of the year

i'm a shell of my former self. i used to find meaning in what i did. i used to be passionate with what i brought to the world.

now i'm just cruising along.

nevertheless, i maintained the absolute level of effort when i want to do something productive, but those opportunities became few and far between. nowadays i'm forced to do good rather than be given an environment i'm motivated to be good.

i've been trying to be more authentic lately, and i don't have it in me to give in to the self-serving agenda of others. i prefer inaction rather than being compelled to do what i disagree with in principle. perhaps in the past, my morals were more malleable. i can stomach misdeeds given promises of reward in the future. my present shows no indication of any remuneration.

so my life was a lie. finding future benefit wasn't a good motive to allocate appropriate energy. it pains me to rebuild again. after all of the hard work, the persona i built for myself.

but the present pain of knowing that i've been doing it wrong all along, is probably better than the empty happiness of chasing after a never-ending finish line.

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