constantly figuring it out

i'm not entirely sure whether age simply is just a number. every phase of my life has been markedly different depending on the circumstance. time has a lot to do with it. i've been too young or too old. sometimes, i've spent too many hours or not enough.

the only linear certainty is that my body degrades. saggier skin, blurrier vision, brittler bones.

my mind works differently, however. despite not being able to recall every bit of knowledge learned or wisdom gained, i seem to have a better intuitive sense of how to carry myself through life. i don't have to remember how and why, i just simply know what to do. most of the time, it works. i don't always win, but that's the point. it's not always about winning.

i used to have more physical energy and mental enthusiasm. i wanted to win all the battles i had a shot at, but victory after victory felt vapid. there's the thrill of the chase and the high of the triumph, but so what? i don't feel i'm in a more meaningfully better place now than i used to be. i'm actually worse for wear nowadays. so i'm both limited in capacity and unfulfilled in my pursuits.

i might be lost in life. i know what not to do - waste my energy on empty things. but i don't know what i should be doing. it's similar to where i was a decade ago, when i was starting out as an adult. the only difference is that i know better now.

and that, perhaps is a step in the right direction.