reload

i haven't been writing as much lately. not for work, not for school, especially not here. i've lost any desire to communicate. i've been trying to remember material which i've been told were good, and i can't bring myself to believe that i'm truly capable of those things. last year, i just kept writing and writing and writing because it was only way i could put back sense into my seemingly senseless life. with repetition, i somehow got good, by other people's estimation. but then the quality of my writing just declined, by my estimation. now i'm shit at it. i'm not inspired at all. there's no fire in me to expel. there's no deep sorrow to drown in. right now, i'm largely forcing myself to type the next word. i get why daft punk decided to call it quits, because there' no point being an artist when you don't have any desire to delve into a creative endeavor. that, and sometimes when artists force themselves to come up with something, they produce human after all - which can only be saved if you re-mix it with material from hit collections of homework and discovery.

i've been writing for a decade or so, i've always been consistently shitty, but i've always reinvented my writing. so much so that i'm embarrassed to admit that i have a bunch of write ups published online attributable to me that i can't get rid of because i forgot both the username and password to my original account. it helps to not explicitly admit my identity? but come on, who else in this planet uses hengerbot.