above all things

so this is what it feels to be truly damaged.

for the longest time, i've always kept the company of victims. i never really identified with them, just wanted to be a pillar they lean on. i can see that it's hard for them, but i never really understood it. since the biggest betrayal of my life, i've felt nothing but anger and distrust with everyone. i used to be generous with my patience and understanding, but now i don't have a lot to give. however, knowing how it felt when i once had a larger capacity for them, i still try to manage and pretend that i'm still capable. now it's just so miserable that i wish for a car crashing into me or my heart stopping to work.

had i been normal without having gone through the all of my trauma, i'm sure i can make it. now i just don't want to anymore. i can see the point of living. it's not entirely hopeless. but the cost heavily outweighs the benefits. it's going to be hard to keep living without being able to fully finding comfort because there's a part of your head that reminds you that you cannot trust anyone. you'll never know if the warmest smiles are a mere façade. you cannot trust anyone. you can only pretend to meet eye to eye but as soon as you look away, you open yourself up for sabotage. you shouldn't trust anyone. you're a mere tool or stepping stone to everyone else's self-serving journey for their gain. you shouldn't trust anyone. everyone always has an agenda and it's a disservice to yourself to play into them. you will never trust anyone. it has been proven time and time again that even the sincerest intentions are almost always impure.

stop wasting your energy, stop playing the victim. you have no one else but yourself, you play for nobody else's team. you cannot find peace if war follows you. if you're not winning, you must be losing. kindness has gotten you in a worse place. you didn't get what you deserve because you gave the wrong things. if the answers are always wrong then you must not be using the right formula.

the worst time to be caught unarmed is when everyone else is wielding their own weapons.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more