lessphine

the easy way out is to just disappear and not have to deal with people.

wake up, get my own shit done, go back to bed. it's a loop i can die with. having other sentient beings complicate things. it takes so much out of me to afford them patience and understanding. self-preservation dictates i purge people from my life. i'm just so afraid of being hurt again. not that it's an unfounded fear. i still feel the pain when dealing with everyone's complications. i get that we all have personalities and we have to deal with both the good and bad. but i find the simpler and more limited the interaction, the less it hurts. when i go to a store, a cashier doesn't hurt me until they start being an actual person by showing a bit of character by being rude. when i enter a building, a security guard doesn't hurt me until they stop being invisible and interjecting a human interaction. when i open up my phone, friends don't hurt me until they start sending me messages.

living in fear isn't ideal. but my life hasn't been one either. i don't see any rational way of making it stop other than actually ceasing to exist. i can tell i have so much to give, i'm still the same person that went through all the harrowing tragedies. but my default feeling has been pain, i only get reprieve from distractions of not living my own life. even with distractions, i still feel drained. it largely feels like a no-win situation.

that ought to be enough of a reason for euthanasia, doesn't it?

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