charger

i haven't felt this good in a long time. i had ten hours of sleep today. i hope it isn't the sleep, cause if i need almost half of my day spent unconscious to function well, then i have no business keeping up with the world that need less than half of my rest requirement.

i've resigned to a short life. if i'm lucky, one morning, i simply won't get out of bed anymore. or maybe i will start shitting blood only to find out after an expensive diagnostic procedure that i have cancer up my butt hole. worst case scenario, i start to forget everything - names and faces of people, recipes of my favorite dishes, or even the simple act of breathing. my body's gone through an unreasonable amount of abuse. i have very little preventive or corrective health interventions. that's why i don't believe in a use for my pension or savings. they're just there because everyone else is doing it. but i know someday i won't reap their benefits. it's just a tax to be a normal human being. i need to be one, somehow. i know i'm not. but you can't harmoniously live with the rest of the world if you won't play along with their rules.

i don't see it any other way, i really am living on borrowed time. that's why i've grown weary of investing in self-care. what's the point, any more additional points of happiness won't improve my overall life satisfaction. whereas if invest it on others instead, i somehow make the world a better place. the trouble is that i need my "me time" to function as intended. i wish i can get by without it and go straight to contributing for others.

cause that's the fastest way to emptying myself out.

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