benched

this is my chance to openly recognize the darkness in me.

there are things i can't say explicitly to the world because it's unacceptable to most people's ears. there's a certain close-mindedness to most people that i'm quite wary of. my insecurities and fragility are met with dismissive reassurance. it's the same thing i will tell others, but somehow what i know works for them doesn't work with me. my choices are either a seemingly ineffectual conversation or a seemingly effective rumination into nothingness. it all depends on the situation, i guess. at times like these when i feel useless, i don't want to bring my negativity to others. by my terms, i need to get my bearings straight first before i go out into the world again. momentum hasn't been on my side so far. i can't simply wait for it, i have to assert myself to one meaningful victory. i need this relegation. i'm losing my touch and i'm not being the person i want to be.

i have to understand why have i become undesirable when i've been trying to get things right from the start.

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