rinse and repeat

now that work has resumed, i returned to the same roads i was driving through back when i was still reeling from an extremely traumatic experience. while the threat isn't there anymore - perhaps the threat was never even there to begin with - all the negativity crept back in. all the anger, the sadness; seeing myself as a fool, a victim; seeking revenge; burning more than just bridges, but even blueprints for future constructions.

i didn't go back to the office - no, the office is wherever i can be productive - i returned to the dark recesses of my mind.

an overwhelming sense of physical heaviness befell me. i chalked it up to just lacking sleep, maybe to the stresses of driving again. but i figured it's more than that. it's once again stepping foot in the battlefield i had thought i left. thankfully, i'm returning with a clearer head and a replenished soul. but really, there's no war to be waged anymore. blood has been shed, weapons have been relinquished. to stay bitter is a choice now that i'm objectively living a much better life. there's no point in gloating over a moral victory because nobody's a true winner. to stay in this sorry state of mind deprives me of a much more meaningful present.

i have to get out of this.

paradoxically, the decision to wallow over a difficult situation is an easier choice than actually moving on. it can be hard to resist what comes naturally. but nothing good usually comes easy, especially when a lot of aspects are strongly swamping against success. i have to swim, because if i do nothing, i'll sink.

this man on fire needs to let off some steam.