conjured consequences

my dreams have always been quite disturbing. they're not necessarily nightmares as i don't always find myself wanting to wake up to escape endangerment, but if you put the imagery on film it'll probably be illegal for public viewing in some countries. so i've grown to develop an openness for the absurd, to the point where themes that most people will consider good are quite uncomfortable for me.

the thing with dreams is that they allow you to live out scenarios that have absolutely zero consequences. it's one of the rare instances where you can be completely honest with who you are, what do you want say or do. dreams are the sandbox of real life. the stupid thing about them is that as soon as you wake up, you forget most of it. i'd like to think that even if you can't recall them in detail, the insights gained are hardwired in your instincts. sometimes i'd wake up with inexplicable feelings for a particular subject in my dream. which would be fine if it's a concept or an inanimate object, but it gets complicated when people are in my social circle are involved. the thing with dreams is that they are a unilateral experience. any feelings developed in your sleep are yours alone. so even if i feel intensely about certain people as a result of my dreams, it's all in my head, no matter how real it feels to me. it's an idea that i wrestle with sometimes because it's quite dissonant for something imaginary to have actual effect. i used to rationalize it by thinking that dreaming was a way to reach out to someone subconsciously, or that it could be prophetic. eventually i grew out of that overly romantic mindset and have been grounded on the belief that dreams are a way for innate truths to be uncovered. so it's merely descriptive of your deepest desires, and acting upon them is solely left to the real world.

but again, why is the waking world making me feel feelings that i actively quell. it's utterly disturbing.

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