auto pleasure

a part of me has started missing how it is to be single - not having to actively care for someone, not having to update anyone about my whereabouts, y'know the motions.

which then puts into question whether my love for my girlfriend is indeed true or unconditional. i'd like to think that perhaps yeah - i claim i love my family, but i don't necessarily care how they're doing or what they're up to, i just know it'd suck to have them gone... maybe.

but there's something not right in the relationship for me - perhaps it's burnout, perhaps it's boredom - it's either a force that isn't pulling me in anymore, or a force that's pushing me away. it's not particularly engaging for me when we have to talk about the mundanity of having to eat, or one's nagging health issues, or a phoned in line of questioning that doesn't feel sincere nor productive.

i know a long term relationship entails a lot of boring stuff in between, but i've made it a personal mantra to always do what excites me. for the most part, i've managed to become successful in strictly spending my time with things that fills me with life - and in all honesty, the romantic relationship i'm in has been grossly lacking.

i wouldn't blame it for a lack of time - there's a shitload of things in my life that i barely have time for but i still manage to get a deep sense of fulfillment from.

perhaps it's a lack of purpose.

if we were to go back to the start, what really got me going in the relationship is an altruistic desire to help her out of the rut. and seeing as i've somehow done my part, i'm way past the post-credits scene, and there doesn't seem to be any direction for a sequel.

of course, the goal in any relationship is to end in marriage, but i'm gradually feeling a sense of disentanglement from a willingness to get married.

yes, by default, i'm amused with the thought of growing old alone. it's comforting when i'm alone at home. it can be, on the surface, be boring - but that's the kind of boring that i like. unlike whatever it is i'm going through with my relationship now.

hence why i miss the feeling of being single. i like taking care of myself. i don't have the patience of taking care of others the way i take care of myself. however, i will, paradoxically, want to go over and above the call of duty to deliver a deeply impactful reform to someone's life. that's just me, i want to be an agent of positive change to everyone i encounter.

i guess what i'm trying to say is go big or go home.