indochine

my girlfriend asked me to show her the most meaningful thing i wrote about her on my blog. i couldn't for the life of me retrieve any from the top of my head. but that's quite understandable, given that i write on my blog when i seek peace from the world to be alone and focused with my thoughts - ironically, on a public platform. nevertheless, this blog as served me well through the worst times, of which i cycle in and out of plenty of times. perhaps because, for me, a blog is a better confidant than actual human beings - who, for the most part, i just really try to keep relationships transactional. i'm really nothing more than their source of laughter and a shoulder to cry on, but when i'm emotionally downtrodden, i go here because, oftentimes, nobody gives a satisfactory response to my complaints and i've really grown tired of not ever having someone like me in my life. i've long held that surgeons shouldn't operate on themselves, thus i truly can't be a confidant to myself.

there hasn't been anyone physically present in my life whom i believe has a laudable level of empathy, insight, and wordsmanship. and that, perhaps, makes me feel empty at times. but i've long resigned that destiny will play out where i'm the servant, not the served - to wish otherwise is futile.

to wish what can never be achieved is useless.