eat me henger

it's easier to tell the difference we go through annually when we were much younger.  from outside, our bodies change much rapidly - baby, toddler, child, teenager. by adulthood, it almost looks the same. the changes become smaller. skin start to sag, fine lines and wrinkles, thinning or greying hair. adults stop getting taller, they start getting heavier, their bones start to become brittle. eventually their bodies will fail them. from inside, younger people are more receptive to novelty. everything is new. they're unburdened with having seen it all before - coming from a preconceived disappointment or high expectations that could very well set up letdowns. life is beautifully fresh. but as you grow older, the heartbreaks pile up, responsibilities accumulate. eventually weighing us down to grind through survival mode. there's a point in life where the overall theme of growth is replaced by decline. but that's probably my cynicism speaking.

unconditional love is directionless.  if you want a sense of direction or structure in love, you need it to be "conditional". love in itself is contextual that a desired unconditionality seems like a safety net. love for family require being birthed or an acceptable procedure for adoption. love for a friend or romantic partner require a base likability and subsequent reciprocity. love can go in so many directions. it can be a superlative of like, it can be an enduring commitment. it can be a feeling, it can be an action. so i don't know if unconditionality is a universally desired in love. what are conditions anyway? perhaps there's a difference with "i love you if..." to "i love you despite..." to "i love you because..."

i struggle to write recently.  now i understand why some writing feels forced. that's what i'm going through right now. i'm forcing myself to put out something. i've since learned the shortcuts people use. templates help, rehashing the same sentences help, blatant copy pasting help. i still don't want an easy way out. i'd rather read than write. i've been trying to refill my knowledge base. i somehow lost my love for learning. i was getting by with facing different people and repeating the same nuggets of wisdom over and over again. and now i can see that i've been making the mistake of settling with an easy way out when presenting myself to the world.

i had the movie aftersun sleeping in my downloads for over a year. i procrastinated on watching it because i wanted my weekends to be a time of unproductive relaxation. my idea of that was video games, but that presents a paradox. games give the illusion of productive progress while presenting challenges that test your problem solving skills. in the end, i don't really get to relax and i'm just as drained going into a new week. but yesterday was different. i decided to be productive instead. if it's my natural state to exert effort, then there are several things that are actually worth doing. i had a full day. enough time for body, mind and soul. a proper movie is one of the best ways to pass time. in the span of an hour or so, you get a glimpse into the important parts of people's lives. you get to know them, you get to witness their struggle, and you see their story conclude - regardless whether resolved or not. it's a good thing i chose to be productive yesterday...

on weekends i try not to be productive to offset the productivity i had during the week. i'm not sure that's the right thing. i'm trying something new. i'm writing first thing in the morning this weekend. let's see how this turns out. well that's a lie, actually. i doomscrolled for the first hour of the day. it's just so easy and quick. one of the videos i saw today was an early 2000s excerpt of a comedy sketch on tv. it felt slow. it took its time for the set up. the punchline was good. i actually laughed - more than i'm used to in modern memes that are extremely efficient. memes are easy fun. there's barely any friction from waking up, lying in your bed, to having a proportionate amount of entertainment. but then after it, you're not better off. it's not a morning meal that takes effort and results in sustenance and enjoyment. it's not a workout that's heaps of hardship but the challenge is rewarding and it feels cathartic afterward...

me and my peers are fatter in our 30s. perhaps it's just the breakdown of collagen in our skin. could also be our bodies aren't recovering as well as it used to with all the abuse we've subjected it - from sleep deprivation to poor diet. make up and flattering angles can only do so much. i've been exercising and it hasn't made me any slimmer. i want to talk to my fellow fat contemporaries to get their perspective, but i worry i'll just trigger their insecurities. so i'm just writing about it here instead. a process i've been familiar with, but not exactly the most optimal route for getting to the truth... or at least a consensual explanation. not that it really matters. i've ran out of things to write, that i'm going over the mundanity of aging. i guess it's what i've been contending with, really. coming to terms that i am not as young as i used to be. duh. i guess the bigger deal is realizing that i took my early youth for granted. i kep...

i continue to feel unmotivated in writing. perhaps because i've managed my depression and i don't have anything worth writing about. i don't feel down anymore. just pumped for the next workout. even when i feel like writing because i'm going through something, i just can't bring myself to continue typing until i finish the entire entry. there's always something going on. perhaps no space for my creativity to breathe - just productivity. i guess there's pockets of opportunity to be creative in whatever productive activity you can do. creativity is just a matter of ingenious problem solving, or at least brazen pathfinding. maybe it's that. there's too much going on and i need to review if i need it. i derive pleasure from it, but not all fun things are necessary.