reminiscent ruminating

me and my peers are fatter in our 30s. perhaps it's just the breakdown of collagen in our skin. could also be our bodies aren't recovering as well as it used to with all the abuse we've subjected it - from sleep deprivation to poor diet. make up and flattering angles can only do so much. i've been exercising and it hasn't made me any slimmer.

i want to talk to my fellow fat contemporaries to get their perspective, but i worry i'll just trigger their insecurities. so i'm just writing about it here instead. a process i've been familiar with, but not exactly the most optimal route for getting to the truth... or at least a consensual explanation.

not that it really matters. i've ran out of things to write, that i'm going over the mundanity of aging. i guess it's what i've been contending with, really. coming to terms that i am not as young as i used to be. duh. i guess the bigger deal is realizing that i took my early youth for granted. i kept harping about death and how short life was, but all i had was an academic understanding about the finiteness of time. it's only now that i've actually imbibed that idea.

it sucks. and even until now i still have trouble grasping the idea of how truly unique every moment of our life is. maybe when you go to enough classes or clock in at enough work days, you get the illusion that the sameness of daily living assures an abundance of opportunities. it's broadly true, every single day is a new opportunity. we get 360-something days in a year and we can reasonably expect to live long enough lifespans. there are indeed a shit ton of chances. but oversimplifying it strips the indelible individuality of our lived experiences.

i regret not savoring the present enough. i regret being stuck with reminiscing fondly the moments i had considered ordinary. they weren't. each photo or video that survived the various device changes i've gone through were all once-in-a-lifetime. even the same activity with the same people are subtly different. we're never the same person. some differences are bigger than others. the big ones are called "milestones." the indiscernible ones are forgotten, until they add up over time.

i didn't expect writing this long. i had more to say, but my melatonin is kicking in.