eat me henger

the older we get, we learn to regard time differently. i used to think the shit i was into was everything to me. a decade ago, two decades ago. i was so certain that what i wanted to do will define me. and that's youth, i guess. we're a bunch of nobodies trying to fit in an already-established world made by adults for us. growing up, most of our actions were dictated by people older than us. and so it's understandable that we're so desperate for the certainty of our identity. we give it our all. we were all gas, no breaks. until we get it... and that's it? the thing about climbing a mountain, on the ascent, we're focused on the peak. but once we hit the summit, we find that we're at the top of one of many. with age, we find that there are more things we give our energies to. we more things that we're certain will define us. but with time we also find that how we define ourselves don't fit the circumstances we're in. the older we get, time feels l...

i used to think enlightenment would change my life for the better. i used to have fantasies about what it must be like to be above it all. the constant stream of social media stimulation makes it seem like there's more to life when chasing after our desires. but no, being "above it all" simply means dulling desire. what they don't tell you is that enlightenment kills excitement. the rat race we ran prior to achieving wisdom is what saturates our life with vibrant color. saving up for clothes that we think will look good on us and impress others. saving up for a vacation so we can temporarily break free from the daily mundanity. or simply splurging on an extravagant night out just so we can feel the power our purchases provide. but the reality is that these are all artificial constructs. we buy into things because they're an easy plug-and-play way to define ourselves. but truth is, it takes work to construct who we are. we're easily defined by what we're fo...

ego dissolution is useful when working out repressed trauma. our ego evolves around the threats and opportunities of our immediate environment. we adopt a narrative from what happens to us, and we orient our values and actions towards a justified direction. we grow callouses from pain, and repeated exposure thickens them - but breaking them takes work. protection isn't always the answer. yes, it serves a purpose from dulling the damage of a bad experience so that it mitigates disruptions to our daily functions. but walling ourselves prevents us from fully experiencing life - crying the needed tears, screaming the needed fury, celebrating the needed elation. as simple as relying on our ego sounds, it has its limitations. our ego resists radical redirection. it hurts to dismantle a self built on strength, wisdom and resilience - and to admit that all the hard work through the years doesn't serve its purpose anymore. it's scary that all our toils will be discarded because time...