clayless

i never had the humility to face my failures.

perhaps it was some neurochemical birth defect that predisposed me to depression, but my habits had a lot to do with it. i didn't have a mentor to help me work towards any sense of normalcy. i was fumbling through life mistake after mistake. i wasn't learning from them because i kept doing something new and starting over again after every screw up. i didn't give myself a chance to rebuild from the rubble of my own undoing.

i was preemptively hard on myself to prevent other people from hurting me. better to cause my own pain than to get it from others. it eliminates the suspense of not knowing how negatively i will be received. the monster i don't know is scarier than the monster i can conjure.

that stunted my growth

because we can only grow as much as the biggest monster we slay.

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