eat me henger

the real stress test is when i have to deal with the rest of the world. i can tell i'm not fully prepared. i'm still extremely volatile. i have my finger on the trigger that twitches at the slightest hint of danger. i prepared for a war that never happened. so i'm keen on using up my rotting stockpile. so by comparison, i'm bringing guns to everybody else's knife fights. i've grown to have a low tolerance for pieces of shit in my life. i'm generous with my kindness, as much as i'm generous with my fury. life has become a purge for me. i haven't been the same ever since. there's no undoing the past, but neither will i pretend that the past never happened. it's not an entirely good thing to wield your jungian shadow. i'm aware of my capacity for evil. i'm not calloused, i have my morals too, but my sense of justice is daft. i've become extremely vindictive. the hierarchy of my enemies lost its gradation. a small infarction will get

romantic infidelity will inevitably result in a bad outcome. i know it all too well. i spend too much time with philanderers that i might as well be an honorary member - or at the very least, a defense attorney. if you play with fire, you really do get burned. i do get the allure. it's nice seeing beaten down people suddenly spring back to life the moment they start cheating on their special others. if you want proof that things that feel good aren't necessarily inherently good, then look no further to breaking the bonds of monogamy. however, that newfound pep in their step have always resulted into them falling off the cliff. the best case scenario is that they break up. now some will want to keep the best of both worlds and keep the companionship. but you don't want to be in a relationship with that kind of a baggage, unless you're years away from death and the practicality of having a partner outweighs the heaviness of your conscience - or if you have none - then you

i keep forgetting that i should be caring less. it has done wonders for my mental health. i'm less angry, i'm more at peace, and life goes by smoothly. more often than not, i get into trouble when i start caring by getting invested in an idea. i'm too passionate for my own good. anything less than the best won't suffice. but life doesn't give you that. you never get the absolute best, at most, all you get is a relative good. i know it to be true, but i forget it in the heat of the moment. the world is defined by limitations. and there's plenty of them. it's when we ask more than what's possible, we start going into hairy territory. i've been trying really hard to avoid situations that bring out the worst in me. scrolling through my social media news feeds laden with manipulative machinations and general stupidity, putting myself in situations where i have a habitually proven weakness, dealing with actual human beings. there are a lot of them. i'm

i think people are idiots. they're irrational, inconsistent, and oftentimes inept. it's always a test of patience to deal with any person. lockdown was good because i have to physically deal with less of them. but technology still kept us connected. it used to be a nice idea to connect with people - back when the internet was for desktop computers and phones were used primarily for texting and calling. it was a luxury so people knew that it was a small window of opportunity to connect - so they had to make the most of out it, which in turn made connecting with others more precious. this meant that people had their best foot forward. their dirty laundry is aired once they're offline. nowadays getting connected doesn't need that grating internet dial up tone, instead it's only a matter of a few swipes - if you're cheap like me that prudently budget my data allocation - for some they're always connected. unlimited data is a wonderful thing. and that lower barri

it's such a disservice to myself that i haven't really been writing as frequently as i've done in the past year. not that it's a money-making endeavor, nor is there a following that hangs on to my every word. i could quit this blog just as i've done with all of my social media accounts and there wouldn't be any discernible difference with the lives of those in my social circle. but it's really a personal pursuit, it's one of the avenues that allow me to effectuate myself onto the world by giving me purpose and capacity to express my existence. writing proves that i am my own person. i'm not bound by a limited number of characters per thought, nor am i expressing myself through filters and templates. this is as free as free speech can be. while i've accumulated a good deal of rust for being out of it for some time - my thought process, i find, are not as sharp as before - i'm all too familiar with being back at bad again that i've set up a