eat me henger

my dreams have always been quite disturbing. they're not necessarily nightmares as i don't always find myself wanting to wake up to escape endangerment, but if you put the imagery on film it'll probably be illegal for public viewing in some countries. so i've grown to develop an openness for the absurd, to the point where themes that most people will consider good are quite uncomfortable for me. the thing with dreams is that they allow you to live out scenarios that have absolutely zero consequences. it's one of the rare instances where you can be completely honest with who you are, what do you want say or do. dreams are the sandbox of real life. the stupid thing about them is that as soon as you wake up, you forget most of it. i'd like to think that even if you can't recall them in detail, the insights gained are hardwired in your instincts. sometimes i'd wake up with inexplicable feelings for a particular subject in my dream. which would be fine if i

i surround myself with incompetent people because i'm quite understanding of their flaws. at times, i identify with their failings and i recognize the beauty of humanity as imperfect beings trying to find the best in the worst of everything. but i wouldn't trust myself with them. at times that i'm too dumb to do so, i suffer the consequences. that's when compassion stops and natural selection ought to take its course. i'm an ardent believer in meting punishments. cruelly, when necessary. for all my kindness towards the downtrodden, i'm not christly to let their suffering contaminate mine. virtually every soul i keep outside my wall. the moment i decide to associate closely with anyone, the margin for error shoots way up to the point of inhumane. i recognize that it's a function of me being too hard on myself. by extension, i will be hard on those whom i decide to be worth my life. i'm already damaged as it is, i can't afford to be burdened by s

it's hard not to see all of the uproar in media. there's purported systemic racism, there's alleged curtailing of rights, there's abject incompetence in bastions of public trust. and those on the short end of the social struggle stick are livid. their advocacy and the reported injustices against them don't directly affect me so i'm only inclined to engage in activities to signal support at an appropriate amount to how much i'm affected, which at most is an affirmation to aspects of their axioms aligned with my principles. we're complex human beings that way, we're not entirely what our doctrines dictate. i'm generally annoyed at this point. there's this majority of people across firing lines not entrenched in either parties that will be forced to be shot by one side if you wear the wrong color. all this hostility makes a convincing argument to choose one side over the other because it's painted as a confrontation where one will have

well that was a hell of a crash course on the reality of adult relationships. i was really decided on a life-long commitment, but my partner decided that it was in her best interest to take advantage of an expedient method of acquiring wealth. the experience defined my belief on how relationships work. when you have to face the responsibilities of adulthood, relationships aren't just about feelings of admiration, of chemistry, of endearment. you're only as good as the value you bring and not the value you posses. i'm a decently valuable man - i don't earn a whole lot, so i'm wise with my expenses; i don't carry a huge level of prestige, so i'm disciplined with my pursuits of growth. my career isn't one which will net me a boatload of cash, instead i stand to gain rich experiences that lead to self-actualization. it's both a selfish and selfless cause. the time i spend in my career fulfills me and it benefits society at large. however, when it&#

now that work has resumed, i returned to the same roads i was driving through back when i was still reeling from an extremely traumatic experience. while the threat isn't there anymore - perhaps the threat was never even there to begin with - all the negativity crept back in. all the anger, the sadness; seeing myself as a fool, a victim; seeking revenge; burning more than just bridges, but even blueprints for future constructions. i didn't go back to the office - no, the office is wherever i can be productive - i returned to the dark recesses of my mind. an overwhelming sense of physical heaviness befell me. i chalked it up to just lacking sleep, maybe to the stresses of driving again. but i figured it's more than that. it's once again stepping foot in the battlefield i had thought i left. thankfully, i'm returning with a clearer head and a replenished soul. but really, there's no war to be waged anymore. blood has been shed, weapons have been relinquished.