eat me henger

i grew up in a cold home. now it might be oxymoronic to say, but it while there wasn't a lot of affection in my family, i still considered it home and i wouldn't trade it for any other. hugs, kisses and emotional support is a rarity in our home. emotions are barely discussed. we're happy on a regular basis, yes. i guess it's the strong stoicism my family members had was what kept us stable enough to stand every possible turmoil. we were, perhaps, the family equivalent of what russians are to hospitality. i bring that to all relationships i have. birthdays happen more often than me showing any form of affection. but i do bring my brand of warmth. i will be an asshole, i will be a bully, but i'll make sure that i will take care my people when they're utterly downtrodden and no one else will pick them up. i don't necessarily live for the mundane acts of kindness -- anyone can do that. i've always veered away from being like most people, which works

variety is the spice of life. and as i grow older, it's becoming more and more in consonance with my values. i don't overeat anymore of the same thing in one sitting, however i still obsess over the same food for an extended period of time. but somehow, perhaps with age, as my body deteriorates -- maybe -- i grow more and more disgusted with myself when i don't have a variety of food to eat in a single day. i've been more conscious with having to eat at least vegetables and different kinds of meat throughout the day. maybe it stems from my behavior to try to live efficiently. let's see if it concretely contributes to my health. i don't binge on tv shows or other forms of entertainment, for that matter -- at least as far as practicable. while i still enjoy them thoroughly, i'm more aware of the mental saturation and how it manifests physically with strained eyes and an aching back. perhaps as i grow older, my brain can absorb less of what's presented

i drive an almost two decade old car. it's showing its age, especially when i'm driving alongside more modern vehicles in the crowded roads of metro manila. i've been pondering on getting a brand new car, the pressure's there, but somehow it feels i could get better mileage out of keeping my beat up old wheels. granted, i will be spending money on old hat and perhaps will turn out to be more trouble than its worth, but i simply don't have the cash flow to allow for a massive expense. besides, i'd probably be better off renting out an old place near my office than to drive every single day. it's pretty freaking draining if you ask me. i'd love to live nearby, and having a girlfriend that seems to really want it makes it a tempting decision. but i'd only truly realistically consider living with her is if we get married. she's quite young and she still has dreams, i wouldn't want my mediocre mindset to meddle in her path to progress. unlike

i haven't had my tea, so i'm not entirely productive yet. i try to regularly write here to purge off my depression. i manage to impede the manifestation of melancholy cause happiness is indeed a choice. but it doesn't mean the sadness simmering underneath it all evaporates itself out. it's been there, as it has always been, and i doubt it'll ever disappear. i just feel that sometimes i'm not entirely honest with other people. while i do my best to always come from a place of genuineness, sometimes i simply surrender sensitivity to my personal sorrows and force myself to be fully engaged with whatever interaction i'm in. and it's that having to expend that energy for others while no one satisfactorily having my back is what truly exhausts the hell out of me. it's a monday morning and i'm done with my cup of tea, let's hope the next cup gets the job done.

my girlfriend asked me to show her the most meaningful thing i wrote about her on my blog. i couldn't for the life of me retrieve any from the top of my head. but that's quite understandable, given that i write on my blog when i seek peace from the world to be alone and focused with my thoughts - ironically, on a public platform. nevertheless, this blog as served me well through the worst times, of which i cycle in and out of plenty of times. perhaps because, for me, a blog is a better confidant than actual human beings - who, for the most part, i just really try to keep relationships transactional. i'm really nothing more than their source of laughter and a shoulder to cry on, but when i'm emotionally downtrodden, i go here because, oftentimes, nobody gives a satisfactory response to my complaints and i've really grown tired of not ever having someone like me in my life. i've long held that surgeons shouldn't operate on themselves, thus i truly can't be