eat me henger

kids these days i sure as shit miss the good old days of not having to be concerned with sending selfies or memes. it feels too pre-packaged and generic. it predicates that i will allot time to scroll through my news feed (which is in itself a massive waste of time, in my estimation) for something worth sharing. after which, there's barely a conversation about it, it just goes by without any depth. and if there's anything i crave for it's deep conversations with intellectual peers. i'm fine, even, with an intellectual superior pontificating their academic brilliance if it means my mind will be stimulated. that's how hungry i am. the most i'm getting recently are "educational" youtube videos. perhaps that's the outlook of my life, i'll grow old and alone with smart people on the screen keeping me company. and my neighbor finding out i'm rotting on the couch.

I'm perpetually depressed and cynical. Perhaps, it's all a huge call for help in this phase of my life. Adult life is so tiring with the estrangement from authenticity as you grow older. Sincerity becomes such a rarity these days. Hell, i even question the sincerity of the people i claim to love - if that's not any indication that I'm fundamentally fucked up, then the world itself is such a terrible place to be in. I used to be so honest with myself. I can't stomach the fact that I've become disingenuous to my core. And that's what I've always been preaching to people, is that the last person you should lie to is yourself. But look at me now. It's never to late though, I'm still alive and i can make a conscious decision to be real now. Help me.

i'm not the most orthodox of birthday celebrators. facebook ruined birthdays for me, it automatically reminded everyone of birthdays and to me it cheapened the experience. the first facebook birthday was great, everyone greeted me. it was an overwhelmingly good feeling. but on the second birthday, it stopped being special and felt next to mechanical. and on the third birthday, it started getting annoying and i eventually turned that feature off. getting inundated with birthdays was, in fact, the best thing that happened to me. it broadened my perspective on life, particularly in stopping putting credence to special days. instead of blowing my load on a handful of important dates per year, i tried making every single day special. i stopped waiting to do something nice on a those few days that indicate a revolution around the sun. because me getting to the next rotation of the earth isn't a complete certainty, so make it count. it aligns pretty well with my general disposit