eat me henger

i've been getting a lot of page views from singapore lately. they've been on regular hourly intervals, even going through the entire evening. i doubt these page views are human. i reckon they're the work of artificial intelligence farming my blog for whichever value it can derive. i've been blogging for almost two decades now. very rarely do i get any page views, and even if there were any, it came from those whom i personally knew. people have expressed their appreciation for my writing. it's nice to have such unintended effect. all i really wanted to do was to process my thoughts, make a semblance of a personal narrative, try to use my talents in this relatively unknown niche of the internet. perhaps with artificial intelligence finally automating the tedious analysis of thousands, maybe even millions, of blog entries in the world, my writing might just finally amount to something externally valuable.

competing with the wrong people warped my identity.  growing up, the only form of competition i knew were games and sport. contained environments where everyone played by clear cut rules within a set period of time. it was easy for my immature brain to comprehend. yeah sure, i recognized back then, that kids were competing in ways much bigger than recreational activities - like being the top in class or student government leaders. those fields were too mature for me. i didn't care about getting the most right answers in an exam, and i sure as hell never wanted to go on-stage to convince the entire student body that i deserve their trust. hell, even i didn't trust myself. i was simply excited for class to end so i can get to the pitch, court or in front of my computer. but then, as i settled into adulthood, i found that my strong interests were merely pastimes, and that the vast majority of a working man's time is spent on the mature things i had shied away from in my youth....

i respawn everyday.  at some point in my life, i lost the ability to wake up with fresh starts. it used to be that i would have tension with other people, and then after sleeping it off, i'll be at peace with them. i was resented for not sharing the same negativity. i had thought back then that it was a problematic lack of empathy. so i tried working to be more mindful of unresolved issues. perhaps it started when i had to deal with terrible narcissism. they're never wrong, and therefore it's my problem. being desperate for their approval, i integrated their indoctrination. beautiful narcissists are a toxic combination. i'm glad to have been physically detached from that predicament. but psychologically, i've been dwelling in it for years. everyday i wake up with yesterday's burden. it's like i never left the quagmire of cancerous conduct. it metastasised into unrelated aspects of life. diminished my relationship with family, co-workers and acquaintances. i ...