eat me henger

competing with the wrong people warped my identity.  growing up, the only form of competition i knew were games and sport. contained environments where everyone played by clear cut rules within a set period of time. it was easy for my immature brain to comprehend. yeah sure, i recognized back then, that kids were competing in ways much bigger than recreational activities - like being the top in class or student government leaders. those fields were too mature for me. i didn't care about getting the most right answers in an exam, and i sure as hell never wanted to go on-stage to convince the entire student body that i deserve their trust. hell, even i didn't trust myself. i was simply excited for class to end so i can get to the pitch, court or in front of my computer. but then, as i settled into adulthood, i found that my strong interests were merely pastimes, and that the vast majority of a working man's time is spent on the mature things i had shied away from in my youth.

i respawn everyday.  at some point in my life, i lost the ability to wake up with fresh starts. it used to be that i would have tension with other people, and then after sleeping it off, i'll be at peace with them. i was resented for not sharing the same negativity. i had thought back then that it was a problematic lack of empathy. so i tried working to be more mindful of unresolved issues. perhaps it started when i had to deal with terrible narcissism. they're never wrong, and therefore it's my problem. being desperate for their approval, i integrated their indoctrination. beautiful narcissists are a toxic combination. i'm glad to have been physically detached from that predicament. but psychologically, i've been dwelling in it for years. everyday i wake up with yesterday's burden. it's like i never left the quagmire of cancerous conduct. it metastasised into unrelated aspects of life. diminished my relationship with family, co-workers and acquaintances. i