eat me henger

i hate when things get romantic. sure, i love having a romantic partner. but what i love about it the most is growing with them as a partner. when i don't see someone being worthy as sharing a common objective with, then i really have no interest being romantically, let alone sexually, involved with them. the story of my life is that i always run the risk of a person - either girl or gay - developing an attraction to me. i use the term "develop" because i'm not outrightly attractive. only old women find me strikingly attractive. most of the time, people gradually grow a fondness for me. i really don't know how i do it. just one of those things that i mindlessly do. but perhaps because i actually listen to people, let them feel heard without judgement. perhaps because i actually want to contribute to the conversation that adds value to the other person, rather than building my own brand and making myself look better. i genuinely want to have meaningful connections

forgiveness is given when kindness outweighs the pain. i'm in a lot of pain right now. i extended my kindness to someone whom i shared a struggle with. however, it was used to betray me. i was roped into a situation where i had to suffer someone else's selfishness. those left to pick up the pieces fell to the whims of their emotion. i have a lot reasons to let fury take over. the accusations hurled against me was clear cut evidence for libel. bystanders were harassed. i'm a step away from being granted a restraining order, but hired guns don't respect the law. this drama is beneath me. i have absolutely no desire to engage. i came into the situation with a clear conscience. sure, the impact of my actions may not have been directly equivalent with my intent. but are we discounting a person's free will when i'm held liable for their reactions? that is my issue here. i was forced into this predicament. i'm being forced to comply with someone else's demands.

becoming a better version of ourself sometimes mean temporarily becoming a shitty version of ourself.  it would be nice to start perfectly, but i think we're inevitably bound to screw up. and i've been too tough on myself for screwing up. i hated myself so much that redemption was never an option. perhaps i was simply being a coward. i pretend to have this noble goal of exacting the highest quality possible, but i could just as very well be creating the highest quality illusion. being wrong is uncomfortable, it's understandable to minimize those outcomes. but being wrong also points us closer to being right. we just need the courage to get over ourselves, make amends and endure the discomfort. simple as it sounds for something as excruciating as acknowledging every single icky part of ourselves. but if we do nothing, the ick remains. if we can tolerate it, then yeah sure, that's a way of living. but going through shit is a necessary evil to become better. because perfec