eat me henger

maybe in my past life, i was a woman. my soul was just reborn as a man in this lifetime so i can understand the struggles of being a man and develop my own masculinity. maybe we're going through multiple lives to become a more well-rounded soul. in the past 30 years, i sucked as a guy. maybe in a past life, i sucked guys. i don't know. but right now, i haven't been living up to masculine ideals of overt aggression, productive risk-taking and many other traits you wish your dad had. neither am i even living up to the bad things about being a man. i don't womanize nor engage in any flirty smooth talking. i don't even get into fist fights, nor have i gotten into any stare downs. perhaps the most masculine thing i've done, and given the circumstances this is tenuous at best, i've abandoned my own offspring. i probably could have been a dad now, but i escaped that responsibility. i haven't even been exerting a good deal of effort in growing into my gender rol

i haven't written in a while despite having a daily reminder on my phone to write. i've given up and just removed that notification from ever reminding me of my failure. somehow for months, i'm fine being a failure. i don't feel like writing. i don't wish to allot any amount of time to put my thoughts here. i have better things to do, admittedly, i'm not doing them. i've actually been wasting a lot of my time over sub-optimally productive activities, but such is the case of unguided self-soothing. i haven't been living a good life lately. on weekdays, i've grown dependent on the efficacy of pills and capsules to keep me functional. on weekends, i've been sinking into my couch constantly clicking the conveniently placed "next episode" or "next turn" prompt. in all fairness, my life has been moving forward. right now, i don't like the direction. maybe in the future, with the wisdom of 20/20 hindsight, i will likely see how t