eat me henger

i haven't been living my life at my own pace. in my desire to be liked or to prove my worth, i've prioritized becoming what others want me to be instead of what i'm comfortable becoming. in the first place, i don't even have an accurate idea of what others want. i've been thinking of them as the most demanding and biggest monsters possible - always wanting me to deliver perfection despite never being anywhere close to it. but regardless of how close they are to reality, i think it doesn't even matter. i think consent is central to any social connection. whether they care so much that i give my all, or if they're actually chill with whatever i bring, i have to first agree with their expectations for my actions to follow. i've been too much of a people pleaser for people i don't actually care to please. i keep doing it because i've gotten used to saying "yes" more than saying "no". this is perhaps a consequence of failure to pri

for more than a minute there, i lost myself. i haven't been writing here, not because i've been occupied with school papers, but because i've been overdoing it at work. that has been such a disservice for me because i wasn't allotting time for who i genuinely am - a thinker. i'm not a good doer. mental gymnastics just come to me more naturally than grinding it out. in fact, no, i'm not just a thinker. with the rate of which thoughts run through my head and coming from all directions, i'm an overthinker. every now and then, i need to return to the core of my identity. it takes effort. the kind of effort that will leave me unproductive elsewhere for half a day. but that's because i've co-opted the definition of "productivity" as what matters for my boss, rather than for myself or my loved ones. it's only been two months, it's a short enough time to get back to who i am... or at the very least, who i am happiest with. i don't know