eat me henger

i haven't been writing as much lately. not for work, not for school, especially not here. i've lost any desire to communicate. i've been trying to remember material which i've been told were good, and i can't bring myself to believe that i'm truly capable of those things. last year, i just kept writing and writing and writing because it was only way i could put back sense into my seemingly senseless life. with repetition, i somehow got good, by other people's estimation. but then the quality of my writing just declined, by my estimation. now i'm shit at it. i'm not inspired at all. there's no fire in me to expel. there's no deep sorrow to drown in. right now, i'm largely forcing myself to type the next word. i get why daft punk decided to call it quits, because there' no point being an artist when you don't have any desire to delve into a creative endeavor. that, and sometimes when artists force themselves to come up with somethin...

it's been a couple of days and i can't wait for it to end. the older i get, more things cause me to feel like shit. i used to love all-you-can eat buffets, but a couple of years back, i started to notice got fuller much quicker and the price for unlimited raw fish doesn't seem worth it anymore. just last year, i can sleep late and wake up fine, but now it wrecks my entire system rendering myself mostly useless. my mind remembers how to move with energy as a young person, but now my body won't let me. i shouldn't be feeling this old at this age. i see much older people than me appearing youthful or managing better than i'm doing. it eats me to think how worse it might get in the future. it's bad as it is but i'm doing a decent enough job to keep myself healthy minimize the consequences. unfortunately, it doesn't feel easy and the trend indicates that it will only get harder. we all have to face it somehow. it will be cowardly of me to avoid it. but i ...

i'm grateful for the year that passed. having lived life with the least amount of time constraints as possible. having been in the company of people that mattered the most. having seen that the best case scenario only happens when a world-breaking pandemic comes our way. this is all temporary. nevertheless, my heart is full of gratitude. it feels like this is as good as it gets. however, i know for a fact that there will be various versions of better in the future. it's understandable that the heart will always be in conflict with the head. neither is absolutely more correct than the other - it all depends on which weighs heavier to the decision-maker. does it really matter if the future looks bright when the present puts me at peace? standards for what's better gets higher, but contentment is a flat line that continues calmly until eternity. my time on this world has truly been a gift. my heart has found peace deserving of rest.