eat me henger

for the many times that i wished for the sweet release of death, it gets me down when i'm faced with the grim reality of my own mortality. i guess what i really wish for is a quick exit. no time to invest in meaningful relationships, no time to start any more long term endeavors. nothing left unfinished as life moves on without me. but that's not how it's going to work out with a slow and painful death. the physical pain is immaterial - there are drugs for that, what truly hurts is the sense of communal pain everyone will feel with my departure. when grief snowballs to include other people, no substance known to man can make it better. the only real way around is it go through all stages that culminate with acceptance. as with any devastating thing we have to go through, we can either live blissfully ignorant or carry the burden of having another notch on the count of life's imperfections. and i'm never lying to myself anymore.

it's easy spending time with the right person. call it hanging out, call it dating, call it whatever. point is, you make time for someone. you can sit, you can walk, you can spend it in silence, you can spend it with banter and laughter, you can spend it in deep conversation, you have an infinite ways to devote time for one another. with the right person, it doesn't matter how you spend it. because with the right person, it won't matter in which manner time is spent, but instead it becomes a measure of how much is spent. with the right person, it will feel effortless to let an eternity pass by so quickly. however, the thing about "easy" is that it isn't a good indicator whether something is meaningful. it's easy binge watching in the comfort of your couch, it's easy dialing in fast food delivery, it's easy scrolling through your social media timeline. a life for the pursuit of pleasure is a life spent picking on low-hanging fruits. the really impor

have i really gotten over my ex? let's start with certainties. i'm certain that i don't want to have to deal with her ever again. such abhorrent breach of trust doesn't deserve another chance. no matter how saintly she may appear, there's a reason why blacklists exist. i'm certain that i too had shortcomings that pushed her into betrayal. everything that leads to where we are now can be rationalized from the broad strokes and little details of the time we spent together. she wasn't as angelic as she portrayed herself as, but in all fairness, she wasn't the devil either. she just did a bad thing. i'm certain i can move past this episode like a memory that i've barely forgotten which spooks me from time to time. these things can never truly be buried. it's an indelible part of my history etched in stone as a reminder of a love that once was. it has shaped me quite significantly. i'd like to think that i'm better out of it. what i'm