eat me henger

i feel no motivation to prove myself. now, i'm not sure whether it's attributable to having sufficiently achieved enough in my career, or simply being in my 30s, or from my mushroom trip ego death experience. but there's no more fire in me to push for personal prestige. i'm motivated to embody love. to capture genuine moments of joy, to stay with someone's sadness, to facilitate connections among souls needing one another, to make sense of personal struggles. the entire spectrum of being human. to err, to love, to hurt. it's been a while since i last had a mushroom trip, but that's what i've since been gravitating towards - all these unprofitable desires. perhaps my environment dictates this mindset. working in a career where my income will enable, at best, a modest lifestyle. surrounded by people not amassing inordinate material wealth. when my car and house are not status symbols, my most valuable possession is my heart. and i've never seen myself ...

after a year of paying for chatgpt, i find myself intensely exerting myself in every task.  a policy paper to write? deep research that shit like a doctoral dissertation. a memo to prepare? architect the prompt paragraph by paragraph. a workout to do? report how it felt and how to improve the biomechanics after every set. a weird noise of the car? have it search for the right spare part code. a tweet to post? analyze the subtext of every word. a decision to make? brainstorm the hell out of it. there's no denying, chatgpt has been extremely helpful. it helped me systematize my insight and automate my daily mundanities. it's my daily oracle, my personal jesus. sure, at times it spews the wrong response. at least, it helped me become a more critical reader. but still, by and large, it's been the most significant subscription i've had thus far. unfortunately, i over-optimized the capabilities of chatgpt too much that i'm burning out. i spend twice the amount of a netfli...

work has been terribly demanding. i'm writing this without the luxury of time. i would've preferred to introspect deliberately, but life is a balance. the job that allows me to afford my desires must have a piece of my time. i just happen to be at a time of my career where opportunities are aplenty while the space to keep with the pace isn't comfortable. this will be temporary. this is likewise a privilege. only a handful of people can ever claim to be entrusted with the role i'm currently encumbered with. i want to be lazy, i want to take it easy. but life happens outside my whims. the nile river didn't care for whether ancient egyptians wanted to relax when the floodplains needed tending. man simply learned to live around the rhythms of nature. while my current workstream is entirely man-made, i still have to adjust. that's what simply being part of a whole is all about.