eat me henger

i don't see myself doing justice to the concept of weddings.  i've seen enough to know that i'm going to suck at the mainstream wedding ceremonies. the pomp and circumstance, the vows, the reception. yeah sure, i'm a decent public speaker, i'm a good speechwriter, i occasionally organize events for a living. in my head, i have the competence, but in my heart, i don't have the soul for it. i've been in enough long-term relationships that vague wedding plans have been discussed. a beach wedding, just immediate family and only closest friends, running out from the reception to get away from the pretentious formalities. in my head, i've said "i do" multiple times, but in my heart, i've been served multiple divorce papers. there are still those hopeful for my married future. seeing me as a stable provider, a passionate partner, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. what they don't know is that in my head, there is a growing list of disappoi...

it's been increasingly clearer that the correct answer is suicide.  the inertia of staying alive has been the only thing keeping me together. i've effectively shut off all of my support systems. not that they're unwilling, it's just that the genuine expression of my damaged self has been painted as either my fault or unwelcome. i can't trust anyone to be real with. i always have to withhold something. a real part of myself that can't be given space. i've lowered my standards already. i've stopped looking for acceptance, just basic acknowledgement. without judgement please? nah. not even that, in this economy. with youthful joie de vivre, the alienation was bearable. i had places to be, food to eat. basking in the beauty of novelty. but with age, i'm less receptive to new experiences. a little too set in my ways. it would have been fine if i was still enjoying the old reliables. depression hits differently lately. suicide was once a fantasy. a half-me...