eat me henger

i once cried over having only 40-something years to live left. i made the logical jump from demographic life expectancy to my own mortality. it's ridiculous now, but my past self would've wanted compassion and assurance. i received patience and a space to express my fears, but i don't think i was ever guided by any one wiser. so i decided to live life to the fullest - whatever that meant. a misguided teenager wanting to "live life to the fullest" sounds dangerous. today, i suffer the consequences of irresponsible decisions. i wish i could tell my past self that the "life you want to live fully include the lives of your subsequent selves" no tomorrow - i convinced myself to believe. it was destructive. in conjunction with my oxymoronic self-hatred and desire to feel alive, i was throwing my body without any reasonable regard for risk. in fact, the riskier, the more enticing. i wanted to burn bright, blazing through a trail that screams "lived life to...

love is greed. the commitment to exclusively love a single individual precludes both of your freedom to choose differently eventually. over-intellectualizing love severs its soul. love is greed, and its fundamental flaw serves a greater purpose. we settle with someone to secure certainty in the present to influence an undeterminable future. to believe we have absolute power over what happens next is futile. but we still do it. in fact, we need to do it. love is greed because it carries our precious vulnerability. our tenderness must only be entrusted with the right person. our loving soul is terribly fragile. shattering our soul is painful as it is, but picking up the scattered shards of ourselves is more agonizing. it takes more work to rebuild than to cultivate. our souls don't come with an instruction manual. we rebuild from unreliable memory. one which might've served its purpose for its time, but must respond to present-day demands. if that much is at stake, then maybe lo...

when two lives touch deeply, even when go their separate ways, one way or another, they will be inextricable. it's been years since i broke up with an ex-lover - it was catastrophic period - and yet people continue to inform me of her new pregnancy. but my wounds have healed enough for me to genuinely feel happy for her. what a surprise? from "the man on fire" himself? ...used to be the man on fire . i've since cooled down. fully grown a pre-frontal cortex. reintegrated from deep mental resets. in as much as i want to keep my firm skin and raw vitality from years ago, i'm a different person now. and this different person recognizes that my ex-lover's life is none of my business - despite the numerous gossiping everyone else seem to enjoy. they want me mired in the controversy. they want to be part of the drama. but ultimately, for them, this is a fleeting interest. but motherhood is permanent. it's a lifetime of difficulty. but it will pale in comparison t...