eat me henger

i'm miserable because i look at what i could've had and never being fully at peace with the causes and consequences of my actions. i should start with soaking in my sadness instead of staying in denial. it's uncomfortable but calm. there's a tranquility to the aftermath. the turbulence had passed, and the only disturbances come from recollections. that's the first step to peace - actual bodily peace. there's no real point in expending any conscious energy. there's no turning back time. there's no turning it forward faster either. no amount of fidgeting or pacing around will get it over quicker. it's as agonizingly slow as the objective ticking of the clock. life happens regardless. there will be just as many people smiling as those crying. empathic as human beings are, the societal experience of joy and misery are not mutually exclusive. best i could do is to realize it's all in the mind.

my depression stopped being a thing after i started working on my physical health. for a good part of the past decade, i really haven't been peachy keen internally. i kept finding myself unreasonably dissatisfied with life. there were things to be grateful for, but the misery of bad aspects weighed on me. being better now, i wish i could've brought my present headspace to my past self. but that's just the same kind of mindset where i would've been a better student had i gotten the chance to return to class with the knowledge i have now. i should've lived in the present better and faced my problems properly. now's the chance to apply the lessons learned. if i really did learn. the older we get, it seems there's more of the past to run away from. but i think the power of the past is our own creating. only we make a big deal out of it when it still haunts us to this day. our brain has a limited capacity to deal with the current situation, and if we add the past