river sticks

it's quite telling that i've been told a couple of times already that i should let my friends be friends for me. 

we're past the casual phase of friends primarily spending fun times together. with what used to be a bigger social circle, it has filtered into the handful of true friends that that match intellectual rigor or emotional depth - or both, if i'm lucky.

i've always been present at their lowest, and have been fine being absent at their highest. i'm the clutch friend they needed to get through tough times. i'm well versed in navigating the dark because i deal with it every single day. once we're done, i can crack a joke, share a smile, and life normalizes.

except for me.

i have to return to cohabitating with my demons. serve them dinner, fold their laundry, tuck them to sleep - because somehow i'm convinced i need them to keep me sharp for the next time someone needs my services out of hell.

i've given up on having people around me that understand what it truly means to have proper depression. i just play along with their seeming understanding of my own darkness. every now and then, they're convinced i'm fine because i can crack a joke, share a smile, and on the surface, life normalizes.

but every now and then, despite their lack of understanding, they try to be the same friend i was for them. it saddens me really - them trying. i've yet to see a successful attempt to get me through the darkness. they think letting me open up will solve it just like how i held space for them to open up and process their own problems, but that's not how it works. i can help them because i understand them. they may have the desire to help me, but they haven't done the work to understand me. i don't blame them for that. we all live busy lives, they don't have the time to chart the map to help me navigate out of my rut.

so what purpose do friends serve? i don't know. for me, they're my passengers as i ferry them out from the depths of their despair.

but for them? well, they can't stay in the boat forever. they have a life to live, and i have more passengers to serve.

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