eat me henger

it's quite telling that i've been told a couple of times already that i should let my friends be friends for me.  we're past the casual phase of friends primarily spending fun times together. with what used to be a bigger social circle, it has filtered into the handful of true friends that that match intellectual rigor or emotional depth - or both, if i'm lucky. i've always been present at their lowest, and have been fine being absent at their highest. i'm the clutch friend they needed to get through tough times. i'm well versed in navigating the dark because i deal with it every single day. once we're done, i can crack a joke, share a smile, and life normalizes. except for me. i have to return to cohabitating with my demons. serve them dinner, fold their laundry, tuck them to sleep - because somehow i'm convinced i need them to keep me sharp for the next time someone needs my services out of hell. i've given up on having people around me that un...

the permanence of people eludes me.  how we start out will never be how we finish. intense interpersonal resonance makes the present feel so strong that we believe we have power over the future. i'm saddened that my relationships failed to evolve with me. i'm partly at fault. i was too complacent. i took it for granted. the work to get it isn't the same kind of work to maintain it. i didn't evolve with my relationships. and it takes communication. clear communication. none of the obfuscations. i need to work on that. i need to work on remembering respect for the other person. consideration of their needs. my words may be my own responsibility, but having a shared stake means i have to concern myself with how my message was received. our words have power. our actions have power. communicating is both proper word choice and delivery. i need to wield it from a place of love.