eat me henger

sometimes signals sent to us are so subtle that they're almost alien. reaching out is a thoughtful gift. i'm denser than most, and i need things explicitly explained to me. except maybe when things align fortuitously that only a one-of-a-kind connection can decode it. it's been a while, but i still haven't made peace with pieces i've kept. somehow even when embers are extinguished, a twin might keep the flame. all i have are my words. i use it to protect me, i use it to give to the world. i'm uncomfortable without them. but somehow, symbols are sufficient. i haven't felt alive in a while. a really long while. perhaps because i tried living it to the fullest too quickly that it consumed me. i don't know. i could be wrong. i've been wrong several times. but it worked out. we served our purpose, true to form. i guess i just had the wrong expectation. i shouldn't have looked for a finish line, i should have instead watched out for a knockout. all alo...

i only regret things when i remember to want what i wasn't able to get.  but i've been successful enough times to know that there's more to the object of desire. back then i was zeroed in on hope that i was blind to its costs and consequences. i guess that's what wisdom is for. you fail enough times to know what should have been the correct recourse. you get disappointed enough times to know how things should have been appraised. you miss out enough times to know up until when the iron stays hot.  i guess that's how wisdom is built - on every ounce of negativity you've amassed throughout your life. i feel uncomfortable having my database of wisdom assembled from bad memories. i feel the need to be shot in the head every single time i remember my regrets. but just like the many times i had desired things, i will always be blind to its costs and consequences.