eat me henger

i don't want to go on dates anymore.  i've lost my sense to see myself as a viable romantic choice. i'm thoroughly aware of my ineptitude and the apprehension that prevents me from overcoming my failures. i'm convinced other people will be better choices. i've resigned to miserable loneliness as my default option. conceptually, i know the right things to do. but with failure after failure, never integrating the lessons, it's becoming more difficult to embody the genuine expression of love. all i see is how much of a mistake i am. i can be fine with that. i can be the occasional friend. i can be the companion in a pinch, especially when no one else can join the trenches. but to be the guy one can show off? to be the guy one would desire to be publicly associated with? i'm a walking red flag. i'm synonymous with warnings. i'm trapped to feel pity over anyone who will suffer the consequences of choosing me. it is thus my duty to protect others from the ...

the older i get, the less i grown up i feel.  like at some point in my mid-20s, i stopped aspiring for a grown up future. here i am still a decade later doing the same shit just with more wisdom. i don't see myself being the right man to get married. i don't see myself earning enough to maintain this lifestyle with my parents still alive. somehow i really can't see a better future. a future is there, yeah sure. but no significant improvements whatsoever. i used to want to build a future with a family of my own. now i've made enough mistakes to learn that i'm a hard person to love and the positives i bring to a relationship isn't worth my many character flaws. even as basic as just going out on a date. i've grown seriously apprehensive. i've seen it all before. sharing a meal, spending time together, conversations both light and deep, where to find parking, how to split bills, who orders what, which tickets to get. i don't see myself fitting in all of...

i'd like to not exist for a while.  just a while, i'll be back. but for now, i'm terribly overwhelmed with all the life i have to live. i feel like i don't want to accomplish anything. no workout progress, no video game progress. nothing. i tried going on holiday for a month. but somehow found myself finding something else to work on. my body looks for work, but my soul wishes to rest. it's been some time since i returned from what i had hoped to be a recuperative retreat. but now, i'm back to being just as tired as before. maybe it's a new normal. maybe i should accept that i'll be constantly exhausted. that the worst of me will always be exposed. i know myself well enough that i really have no room in the real world. good thing i love working hard because that's the only way i could reasonably integrate. but then again i feel like i don't want to accomplish anything.

i never really stopped pushing people away somehow.  i've sort of gotten used to it at this point. i warn people how much of a red flag i am. how i don't have friends. that all i do is work and leave little room for any emotions or human connections. there are those who still try. not believe the warnings. but it's true though. i am bad news. i don't like being this. but it's not like i had full control from preventing myself from being this. along the way, i made a shit ton of bad decisions. misguided. driven by hubris. i am what i am now because this is how i suffer the consequences of my actions. i hate to say it, i love genuine connection, but nobody should have the unfortunate fate of dying by me.

i don't see myself doing justice to the concept of weddings.  i've seen enough to know that i'm going to suck at the mainstream wedding ceremonies. the pomp and circumstance, the vows, the reception. yeah sure, i'm a decent public speaker, i'm a good speechwriter, i occasionally organize events for a living. in my head, i have the competence, but in my heart, i don't have the soul for it. i've been in enough long-term relationships that vague wedding plans have been discussed. a beach wedding, just immediate family and only closest friends, running out from the reception to get away from the pretentious formalities. in my head, i've said "i do" multiple times, but in my heart, i've been served multiple divorce papers. there are still those hopeful for my married future. seeing me as a stable provider, a passionate partner, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. what they don't know is that in my head, there is a growing list of disappoi...

it's been increasingly clearer that the correct answer is suicide.  the inertia of staying alive has been the only thing keeping me together. i've effectively shut off all of my support systems. not that they're unwilling, it's just that the genuine expression of my damaged self has been painted as either my fault or unwelcome. i can't trust anyone to be real with. i always have to withhold something. a real part of myself that can't be given space. i've lowered my standards already. i've stopped looking for acceptance, just basic acknowledgement. without judgement please? nah. not even that, in this economy. with youthful joie de vivre, the alienation was bearable. i had places to be, food to eat. basking in the beauty of novelty. but with age, i'm less receptive to new experiences. a little too set in my ways. it would have been fine if i was still enjoying the old reliables. depression hits differently lately. suicide was once a fantasy. a half-me...