eat me henger

i never really stopped pushing people away somehow.  i've sort of gotten used to it at this point. i warn people how much of a red flag i am. how i don't have friends. that all i do is work and leave little room for any emotions or human connections. there are those who still try. not believe the warnings. but it's true though. i am bad news. i don't like being this. but it's not like i had full control from preventing myself from being this. along the way, i made a shit ton of bad decisions. misguided. driven by hubris. i am what i am now because this is how i suffer the consequences of my actions. i hate to say it, i love genuine connection, but nobody should have the unfortunate fate of dying by me.

i don't see myself doing justice to the concept of weddings.  i've seen enough to know that i'm going to suck at the mainstream wedding ceremonies. the pomp and circumstance, the vows, the reception. yeah sure, i'm a decent public speaker, i'm a good speechwriter, i occasionally organize events for a living. in my head, i have the competence, but in my heart, i don't have the soul for it. i've been in enough long-term relationships that vague wedding plans have been discussed. a beach wedding, just immediate family and only closest friends, running out from the reception to get away from the pretentious formalities. in my head, i've said "i do" multiple times, but in my heart, i've been served multiple divorce papers. there are still those hopeful for my married future. seeing me as a stable provider, a passionate partner, a guy any girl would be lucky to have. what they don't know is that in my head, there is a growing list of disappoi...

it's been increasingly clearer that the correct answer is suicide.  the inertia of staying alive has been the only thing keeping me together. i've effectively shut off all of my support systems. not that they're unwilling, it's just that the genuine expression of my damaged self has been painted as either my fault or unwelcome. i can't trust anyone to be real with. i always have to withhold something. a real part of myself that can't be given space. i've lowered my standards already. i've stopped looking for acceptance, just basic acknowledgement. without judgement please? nah. not even that, in this economy. with youthful joie de vivre, the alienation was bearable. i had places to be, food to eat. basking in the beauty of novelty. but with age, i'm less receptive to new experiences. a little too set in my ways. it would have been fine if i was still enjoying the old reliables. depression hits differently lately. suicide was once a fantasy. a half-me...

i went on holiday for an entire month and just like that the year's about to end. right around this time last year i was struggling with life. i had reached peak existential burnout. i remember going on travel somewhere nice, a place i've never been, staying at a fancy hotel which had no business being that good in the middle of nowhere. but i wasn't having any of it. i objectively knew i was having a wonderful experience. but subjectively, i felt like a spectator in someone else's body. it felt like a disservice to the body's owner that i'm not having fun over a golden opportunity to see the sights and live the life. life is long. it's long enough for us to take moments for granted. life just feels short because we can't remember every instance we were in an elevator, on the passenger seat of a car, crossing the road, paying for lunch. we just remember the highlights. not every day in school, but how fun our school friends were. not every day at work, b...

i'm done with my month-long holiday and its afterglow. i'm back to the daily mundanity of early mornings and social jetlag. i really do feel like i don't get enough sleep. neither do i eat the right things. to live the right way is deliberate choice. it takes a lot of time. definitely not convenient, like how this fast-paced modern life espouses. tsch. espouse , such a deep word i wouldn't have in my vocabulary if not for my job as a writer. i believe there's always been a lot going on in the world. it's just become more visible because phones are not phones anymore. in the past, all my screen time came from a device exclusively plugged into the wall. and that device i had to share with others. i didn't always get what i want. and now that my every desire is within reach, everything feels the same. the rush and convenience of modernity turns everything into a blur. but it's all the same dopamine hit

i hate it when romance gets in the way of quality relationships.  i'm a fan of romantic love, sure. but it's reserved for the deserving. just because two people are single and they look good together, doesn't mean it's a good idea to ship them . i yearn for the days of my boyhood when i can simply approach a girl i like spending time with and just share our time for our common interest. my curse is that i get along with women better than men. unfortunately, i'm straight. (granted there suspicions that i'm either closeted, bisexual, or lesbian). so there's always that opportunity to see a potential romantic partnership between a girl and a decently attractive guy like me. unfortunately, comments about her being single or my salary can sustain her  adds to the noise my adhd brain struggles to juggle. (i should probably tell them i have a girlfriend already. but then again, i will then be accused of cheating. so i still find myself between a rock and a hard pla...