eat me henger

i've changed. not much, but just enough to throw away fake fantasies and games. when did that have any meaningful value. never really had the patience to play along. valuing legitimacy requires vigilance against paltry attempts at authenticity. and i can always spot child's play from a mile away. nevertheless, i bring the truth. quality connections. love from the center. it's not cheap. and when it's taken for granted, privileges are taken away. gradually, with grace, but without hesitation. compassion will always be there. a warmth that dignifies, at bare minimum. i'm not ruthless. just discerning with my use of finite high-value energy. love is reserved for the deserving. that's why it's worth crashing out for, and worth being genuine for.

i'm lost.  i find myself surrounded by things i used to like. now i'm unable to like new things. finding comfort in the same old shit. being afraid of trying something out. it's such a drag. i'm not motivated to consume content. it just feels like something i have to do. because i have a phone, a social media account, people to follow. they're just there, so might as well. creating feels more rewarding. making a meal. making memories. making people laugh. an active existence. adding value to the world. this is going to be some sappy shit, but i really do believe it stems from love. i'm lost because i'm unable to love. no, not the roses, holding hands and performative displays of affection. that's not my jam. what i mean is the priceless kind of love. the purest expression of your soul. you just can't put a finger on it, but when it's love, it's love. the kind of love that significant memories are made of. the kind of love that makes you forge...

i've heard of mercury being in retrograde years ago - it was a cool bloc party song - but only decades later did i actually live the concept. or at least it was fun to attribute shit to planetary alignment. it's nice to not be responsible every once in a while. .. typically when i don't do much writing here, it's because i'm not battling a bout of depression. but really, i've been doing most of my writing on twitter. it's harder there. i have to distill my thought, yet maintain my nuanced voice. every word has to fight for its place. so it's less about actual writing of words, but more about shaving off words from a much grander write up without losing soul. i workshop the hell out of my tweets. agonizing over a few words for something that barely gets read. if a tree falls in the woods, right? yeah, whatever. .. it's been a while since lyrics mattered. music to me has largely been about the vibe. melody, rhythm, instrumentation - anything but the wo...

she kept the art in my heart alive.  never really did saw myself as an artist. i write, yes. but it's more of an intellectual process. like solving a puzzle instead of painting a picture. instead of aesthetics, i try to make a point, i try to make sense of it all. it was all structure. a scaffolding for thought. but you don't get to see all angles solely from your own set of eyes. some people just exude art. they might get stuck having to study food technology, but pen on paper, they can't help but make beauty. seeing that in others, and most importantly, having others see that in me too, made me revisit my latent artistry. maybe all of this prose isn't just an academic-adjacent exercise. maybe these elements of poetry actually have artistic value. hey, if people with bachelor of science degrees can follow their heart to make art, then why can't i follow her.

i can never trust myself to be consistent.  there's a lot of conflicting states in me. i believe they're all valid at the time of manifestation. there's the obvious example of: i carry compassion one moment, then i could get fucked over and then cut ties altogether. so it's a response to an external stimulus. but there are also instances where the inconsistency comes from within - like not having thought things through, or being at the mercy of misfiring neurotransmitters. when things get uncomfortable, i wish to channel the courage that my past self that threw himself into the situation. he thoughtlessly jumps in, and i live with the aftermath. yeah, i'm flawed like that. that has been a recurring pattern. i don't like having my personality determined by the stars, but i definitely embody aries energy. with all the chaos cooking in me, i barely get a grasp of who i am. well, at least the zodiac keeps people consistent with templated traits. maybe they're on...

i'm a hermit by misguided design. everyone's kept at arm's length, while every thing  were kept close. i found that objects are more reliable than people. objects are engineered, designed to follow rules. it hurts less to be disappointed with objects rather than people. there's always a troubleshooting guide online for when things break. but people are so unique, they barely understand their own instruction manuals. but i try. people have significantly higher inherent value than inanimate objects. and i just need to sincerely connect. appreciate the good, compassion for their failings. my biggest stumbling block was always been my transparency. i never expressed my appreciation nor disappointment. i always had to put up this ironclad unbothered persona. when good things happen, life goes on. when bad things happen, life goes on... without them. ruthless, i know. it makes for a terribly lonely life. i've adopted it so well that when people ask me "how are you so...