eat me henger

i'm done with my month-long holiday and its afterglow. i'm back to the daily mundanity of early mornings and social jetlag. i really do feel like i don't get enough sleep. neither do i eat the right things. to live the right way is deliberate choice. it takes a lot of time. definitely not convenient, like how this fast-paced modern life espouses. tsch. espouse , such a deep word i wouldn't have in my vocabulary if not for my job as a writer. i believe there's always been a lot going on in the world. it's just become more visible because phones are not phones anymore. in the past, all my screen time came from a device exclusively plugged into the wall. and that device i had to share with others. i didn't always get what i want. and now that my every desire is within reach, everything feels the same. the rush and convenience of modernity turns everything into a blur. but it's all the same dopamine hit

i hate it when romance gets in the way of quality relationships.  i'm a fan of romantic love, sure. but it's reserved for the deserving. just because two people are single and they look good together, doesn't mean it's a good idea to ship them . i yearn for the days of my boyhood when i can simply approach a girl i like spending time with and just share our time for our common interest. my curse is that i get along with women better than men. unfortunately, i'm straight. (granted there suspicions that i'm either closeted, bisexual, or lesbian). so there's always that opportunity to see a potential romantic partnership between a girl and a decently attractive guy like me. unfortunately, comments about her being single or my salary can sustain her  adds to the noise my adhd brain struggles to juggle. (i should probably tell them i have a girlfriend already. but then again, i will then be accused of cheating. so i still find myself between a rock and a hard pla...

i've changed. not much, but just enough to throw away fake fantasies and games. when did that have any meaningful value. never really had the patience to play along. valuing legitimacy requires vigilance against paltry attempts at authenticity. and i can always spot child's play from a mile away. nevertheless, i bring the truth. quality connections. love from the center. it's not cheap. and when it's taken for granted, privileges are taken away. gradually, with grace, but without hesitation. compassion will always be there. a warmth that dignifies, at bare minimum. i'm not ruthless. just discerning with my use of finite high-value energy. love is reserved for the deserving. that's why it's worth crashing out for, and worth being genuine for.

i'm lost.  i find myself surrounded by things i used to like. now i'm unable to like new things. finding comfort in the same old shit. being afraid of trying something out. it's such a drag. i'm not motivated to consume content. it just feels like something i have to do. because i have a phone, a social media account, people to follow. they're just there, so might as well. creating feels more rewarding. making a meal. making memories. making people laugh. an active existence. adding value to the world. this is going to be some sappy shit, but i really do believe it stems from love. i'm lost because i'm unable to love. no, not the roses, holding hands and performative displays of affection. that's not my jam. what i mean is the priceless kind of love. the purest expression of your soul. you just can't put a finger on it, but when it's love, it's love. the kind of love that significant memories are made of. the kind of love that makes you forge...

i've heard of mercury being in retrograde years ago - it was a cool bloc party song - but only decades later did i actually live the concept. or at least it was fun to attribute shit to planetary alignment. it's nice to not be responsible every once in a while. .. typically when i don't do much writing here, it's because i'm not battling a bout of depression. but really, i've been doing most of my writing on twitter. it's harder there. i have to distill my thought, yet maintain my nuanced voice. every word has to fight for its place. so it's less about actual writing of words, but more about shaving off words from a much grander write up without losing soul. i workshop the hell out of my tweets. agonizing over a few words for something that barely gets read. if a tree falls in the woods, right? yeah, whatever. .. it's been a while since lyrics mattered. music to me has largely been about the vibe. melody, rhythm, instrumentation - anything but the wo...

she kept the art in my heart alive.  never really did saw myself as an artist. i write, yes. but it's more of an intellectual process. like solving a puzzle instead of painting a picture. instead of aesthetics, i try to make a point, i try to make sense of it all. it was all structure. a scaffolding for thought. but you don't get to see all angles solely from your own set of eyes. some people just exude art. they might get stuck having to study food technology, but pen on paper, they can't help but make beauty. seeing that in others, and most importantly, having others see that in me too, made me revisit my latent artistry. maybe all of this prose isn't just an academic-adjacent exercise. maybe these elements of poetry actually have artistic value. hey, if people with bachelor of science degrees can follow their heart to make art, then why can't i follow her.