eat me henger

"how can we help you?"  simple, but good question. i was stumped. it occurred to me that i have no answer. i've been complaining about depression for far too long without thinking of a way to get out. it's just managing the wave of lack of motivation. so, i say. there's no cause, it's genetic. simply just born this way. be it as it may, what if there's a reason why it remains? no real effort to seek medical attention. absence of social fabric to catch my fall into darkness. there isn't perhaps one answer to fix everything. it seems like a complicated problem that ought to have multiple points of attack. maybe medication, maybe social support, maybe lifestyle changes. that's the thing, i have all these ideas, but i'm not piecing them together definitively for a solution. it's as if i don't want to be fixed. if i can't answer the question now, how could they answer "why did he die?"

nobody is convinced i'm going through difficulties. maybe it's the lack or scientific evidence. maybe it's the lack of other peoples' cognitive bandwidth to entertain my relatively minor issues. whichever the reason, it doesn't make this journey alone any easier. perhaps i do an excellent job pretending, or i'm just that psychosocially retarded that i can't sufficiently convey whatever it is i have. even i don't know how to classify it anymore. it has gotten so complicated that it's become a generic mental issue. brain getting duller, diminished sensitivity to emotions, aversion to novelty. even if it was properly identified, i'm still going through this alone. i never had proper emotional support. i don't blame the people around me, my issues are complex and my worth is negligible. i have to pay someone to give me that. human relationships are primarily designed to keep each other alive. that much is being satisfied. i don't have to worr...

i've been trying to figure out the logistics or my suicide.  i don't have access to a high enough roof deck to jump off from. so all i do is just stare off from the window of tall buildings and imagine going through it. feeling the violent wind on my face. perhaps making it more difficult to open my eyes to see the pavement nearer and nearer. that is if i will jump head first. i was always afraid of diving into the water. i might just fall facing the sky. will it be gray and cloudy? or clear and blue? if heaven is in the clouds, that will be the last time i will ever see it. there are plenty of knives in the kitchen. a straight slice into my arm and let the blood spill out until i lose consciousness. i could do my family a favor by doing it under a running shower. use plumbing to my advantage to at least do my family a favor to make the clean up easier. definitely should leave a suicide note to help the grieving easier too.  i've been hearing of a way to asphyxiate to death...

i'm going through a terribly soul-sucking phase of depression.  again, it's not intense sadness. it's a dulled sense of life. everything just feels like mindlessly going through the motions. deriving none of the fulfillment, fearing none of the devastation. it's like i just have  to do life. no uniquely animating reason to continue living. my days are simply a series of consuming. there are brief moments of vibrancy. there were times that i was hopeful that life was on the upswing. that i had it finally figured out. but no, it might be that i was just fooling myself into thinking that life is going to get better again. i've written about it recently. i had seemingly happy moments. now it doesn't feel real. it was definitely unsustainable. i don't know whether i'm worried about the future. worried perhaps with the present state of lifelessness. i've been afraid that i haven't been deriving pleasure from traveling. i was trying to enjoy the most be...

it helps to believe in a god that keeps a grand narrative for each and every one of us.  i've always believed that i'm a pessimist. i've always been afraid of getting off at the wrong train station, i've always worried about making the wrong decisions. but what if our perspective was less inherent and more extrinsically determined? one's outlook is influenced by factors such as experience and expectation. a string of bad things happening to us suggest that we're constantly dealt bad luck, but a belief in a higher power reframes those bad outcomes as part of bigger plan. if we outsource the architecture of our life to a god, then it's easier to focus on engineering the structures that build toward the ideal blueprint. perhaps my pessimism isn't entirely cured by religion. i certainly am more sensitive to negativity. dogmatic doctrine won't deactivate my disposition. i barely remember the good times. it sucks to grow older because i amass more memories...

i've been getting a lot of page views from singapore lately. they've been on regular hourly intervals, even going through the entire evening. i doubt these page views are human. i reckon they're the work of artificial intelligence farming my blog for whichever value it can derive. i've been blogging for almost two decades now. very rarely do i get any page views, and even if there were any, it came from those whom i personally knew. people have expressed their appreciation for my writing. it's nice to have such unintended effect. all i really wanted to do was to process my thoughts, make a semblance of a personal narrative, try to use my talents in this relatively unknown niche of the internet. perhaps with artificial intelligence finally automating the tedious analysis of thousands, maybe even millions, of blog entries in the world, my writing might just finally amount to something externally valuable.